MAH KIDS ARE IN MAH CAR!!! MAH KIDS!!!

[warning: LOTS OF SWEARING and text]

Okay so for those of you who don't know, I work in retail. You will hear stories from anyone who's worked retail for any significant length of time about "crazies". This is one of those stories.

For a while I was an assistant store manager, but when I switched stores, instead opted for being a cashier, instead (injury makes it hard for me to be on my feet for so many hours a week, which is already pretty bad just as a register jockey, but I digress). I have caught many shoplifters, both in my old store and new, but never once have I had such an interesting...experience with one. 

Tonight around 7:30PM, I was getting ready to go on my lunch break -- my normal time for when I'm working with the ASM, CJ. But then this lady walks in. The sign is up on my side saying I'm closed, I had my lunch bag in my hand about ready to clock out, and CJ says "Hey...mind ringing this lady up for me? Shit, have you clocked out?" To which I replied, "Nah dude, it's cool, I haven't clocked out yet so I'll ring her up for you"...and proceed to ring up the lady at the checkout while CJ goes and does whatever he needs to do (I didn't realize what was going on at this point).

After the customer leaves, CJ comes up to me and tells me that a known shoplifter is in the store. I ask who. He basically says "that short, fatter woman with the blonde hair that fills up the carts with shit and hides empty packages in it". I...knew exactly who he was talking about. Soooo...I don't go off to lunch; instead, I pace back and forth at the register area trying my best to keep an eye on this lady.

Backstory needed: In January, she came in on a night that CJ and I were working together. Kinda busy, but nothing super out of the ordinary -- just busy enough to keep us walking back and forth to the registers all night and unable to tend to any other task for more than a minute at a time. Anywho. Lady comes in, gets a cart, starts pushing it around -- nothing weird just yet. Until she starts piling a bunch of shit in it that...seems to not go together at all? Like...who buys 15 sticks of chapstick and seven different bras that are different sizes completely? She's still in the store for over an hour and while CJ and I are doing our best to keep our eye on her (because we're rightly suspicious), we just can't give all of our time to one person who we think is stealing and completely ignore the other customers in the store who are paying, loyal, and need help (basically it's better to lose like $30 to a shoplifter rather than lose a customer because they had to wait, essentially). So we kind of put it in the back of our minds and leave a mental note to check up on her after the rush dies down.

Well, rush dies down, and apparently while we were busy she managed to sneak out the doors with a shitload of merchandise (which we didn't quite realize at the time). We did a floor sweep of the store and I hear CJ go, "are you FUCKING serious" from a few aisles down. I reply, "wat". He tells me to "come look at what I [he] found". I head over and there's a cart overfilled. Bras, panties, shorts, socks, shirts, baby things, several packages of miscellaneous items, and like 20 packages of Midol...out of these things, several were opened and a few more were completely missing. Gone. Stolen. We were rightfully pissed.

Second time she came in is when CJ and another one of our cashiers were working and he was trying to keep an eye on her -- she eventually left her cart, again full of shit, having stolen like a few small things and leaving the packaging for some reason (which she tried to peel the anti-theft stickers off of).

ANYWHO.

She decides to come in tonight. First thing she does is grab a cart and go into the first aisle of the store (which includes the front right corner of the store). There's a round mirror orb in that corner and I'm on the opposite side of the shelving making noise and watching her to see if she reacts. Nope. Nada. Nothin'. CJ is in the process of "calling" Chuck (store manager, huge guy), saying he "left his keys here and needs to pick them up" (after really just texting him explaining the situation". We were playing along, being all "Haha well Chuck needs to come get his keys, if we forgot keys we'd be yelled at hahahahah", that kind of thing, while watching her from two angles. After a while, I see her start to turn the corner into the "open" side that I was on -- I immediately walk up, stare her dead in the face (with eye contact -- unbreaking) and fix some of the socks that were messed up. She quickly backs up and turns back around into the aisle she had been in. At this point, I thought to myself, "Surely she must know that I know what she's doing?" Well, either she was fucking stupid or overly confident/ballsy, because she kept rummaging around and throwing shit in her cart. 

I wind up having to help another customer, seeing as I was active cashier, while CJ continues watching Ms. Stealypants. I check a few people out, look up, Chuck's there (it's about 7:45-7:50 at this point). Lady isn't in the corner anymore -- CJ followed her to the clothing section a few "aisles" down. A little old woman comes up to my register and I start ringing up her little mints and teas and a few other small things she got. CJ walks behind her towards the front of the store -- we make eye contact and the look on our faces are a mixture of "AWWW YISS LMAO" and "oh fuck something's gonna happen, isn't it" -- as I hear Chuck going "EXCUSE ME, MA'AM" to the woman shoplifting.

Little old lady was in the process of paying. Suddenly, short blonde woman runs and I hear Chuck yelling "LOCK THE DOORS, CJ, LOCK THE DOORS". CJ runs and locks the doors. Little old lady had paid and gotten her receipt. Was standing there super confused. Chuck was standing in front of the "In" door, CJ in front of the "Out". Chuck is saying "MA'AM, you are being detained legally and without force" (because this was all on video that Chuck catches around the store via cameras he installed himself). Blonde shoplifter lady was screaming shit like, "MAH KIDS ARE IN THE CAR. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAAAND. MAH KIIIIDS ARE IN MAH CAR!" and "I HAD MONEY TO PAY FOR THIS!!!! I HAD MONEY!!!", etc. etc., talking about how she's going to sue the company...for what, being caught shoplifting and throwing a massive hissy fit? Lmao. She's suddenly worried about her supposed "kids" that she left in the car for like 20 minutes so she could shoplift? Yeeeeah, sure, honey -- but I'm not buying that one. Anyway -- little old lady is looking at me super confused and I just say, "I'm really sorry. It'll only be a minute." I walk around the counter and stand in front of the woman because at this point, shoplifter lady was swinging fists and screaming and I'd rather get pushed over or hit than have a little 85 year old lady hurt by this hooligan.

And...all of a sudden...she starts taking swings at me. Not hitting me -- just swinging her fists in my direction. Saying things like "I'LL HIT YOU!!! I WILL!! I'M GONNA!!! I WILL!!!!" and I just start egging her on, "Go ahead mate". Completely calm. Standing there like, okay, I don't give a fuck and if you hit me I'm going to sue the shit right outta your ass because I do not get paid enough to deal with your bullshit. She starts getting closer, and closer, continuing the "I'M GONNA HIT YOU!!! I WILL!!!!" screaming insults. So I do the only thing I can think of in that moment -- put my fists up and bellow "FUCKING DO IT THEN" about two inches from her face. She wails. Turns around. Runs for the door -- which CJ is still in front of -- and starts trying to claw her way out. Scratching CJ to hell. I reach for my pepperspray (which I normally carry)...yell all you want, make insults all you want, but as soon as you fucking touch me or my coworkers I swear to God I will fuck you up. I hardly have time to grab it out of my pocket before Chuck just goes, "Fine, let her go". CJ backs off, stupid woman runs out the door to her (surprisingly nice) car, hops in. Entire time she's swearing, saying she's gonna hurt us, etc. etc., that SHE'LL BE BACK!!! and she'll HIT US!! and yadda yadda yadda empty threats yadda yadda. All three of us run out the doors and get her license plate number.

A few customers from earlier happened to be in the parking lot sitting in their cars, talking to one another with their doors open...so...they saw and heard everything. Lady's screaming at me and CJ and we're standing there like "YOU WON'T DO SHIT". Customers are cheering. We are fuming. We get her license plate number and she fucking busts ass and peels rubber out of the parking lot, nearly hitting the edge of the bridge (which def. would have fucked her car up big time). She swerves all over the road, then she's gone. Meanwhile I'm just going, "Woooow biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihiiiihiiiitch," and half flipping her off as she drives away. I walk back inside, swearing and saying shit like "This is the SECOND fucking time I've been in here when she's done this shit, I am fucking DONE", etc. etc. CJ and Chuck are like "yeah I hear ya" and stay outside, as Chuck's in the middle of calling the cops.

Little old woman is still standing by my counter and looks at me and asks "...is it okay? Can I leave?" and I'm just like...omg I'm so sorry. You just had to witness me and my coworkers wrangle an angry troll. Holy shit I'm so sorry. And I apologize and she's just like "oh honey it's okay", being really sweet. I hold the door for her, she leaves, CJ and Chuck come back in. Cops are on their way. Customers from the car come up and are like "do you need someone to stay? for a witness? Anything?" and Chuck tells them no -- they're just filing a report, and we have cameras and the customers are a regular so in the case we do need to get ahold of them for a statement then it's easy enough to get in contact. So they leave after asking if he's sure like 5 or 6 times.

Chuck tells me to clock out for lunch, so I do. Grab my baggy of lunch and head back to the stock room (it's about 7:50 now). I can hardly eat. Wind up texting a few people being like "I don't even understand what the fuck just happened, and I was directly involved". Managed to down some things, but went back up to the front because I forgot my drink. Happen to be up there at just the right moment -- CJ had found her purse in the cart of shit that she was sifting through, adding more and more merch to. He takes it out to the cops and I'm standing there thinking, "Is this happening? Is this actually happening?" before laughing a bit to myself and going back to the back to finish my lunch.

Plates were run. Came back to her mother's name -- her mom's car, then. Found a Sam's Club membership card in her purse...same last name. Alright, so we know who it is, then. Stupid lady had shoved a can of foot spray in her purse...but forgot to take it with her when she suddenly forgot HER KIYADS!!! were in the car outside for like 30 minutes. 

Cops took the footage from January when she first was stealing, and the footage of the incident after that. We're gonna get her for everything.

I would have loved to see the look on her face when a) she realized she forgot her purse with a card with her name on it in the store and b) she's caught.

We're thinking she has a drug problem. She's constantly hanging out with the dudes who sell drugs around town and she's probably stealing things in order to resell it or give to people in order to get more drugs. It's sad, yeah, but really irritating at the same time.

It's hilarious in hindsight but...damn. It's like my anxiety took a back seat for this one. I guess I was so tired of being treated like shit by customers that I just let loose -- and...honestly, it's about fucking time. After being harassed because I wouldn't open my drawer to give change (I actually can't without an override and EMERGENCIES ONLY), and being creeped on by a guy who I guess thought I was interested and that androgynous dudes are hot (spoiler: I'm not, I'm engaged, and WOW that was uncomfortable) even when I told him to fuck off, I had a bit of an issue with holding back more anger. It's like my rage spill container overflowed and just seeped out of everything. It's all over the floor. Oh no. What a mess.

EDIT: The things that I noticed in her cart were as follows:
- Like four or five lamps
- About 20 packs of Midol
- Several pairs of socks
- 10 or so pairs of bras and underwear
- A bunch of other, random medicines
- Like all of the chapstick that we had had on the shelf
- Some shirts
- Some purses
- Foot care items
- Six or seven pairs of shoes
Annnnd even more.

idk what this is

A - available: No - age: 20 - annoyance: Customers, children, the sound of coughing, eating, or crunching - allergic: Lactose, gluten, some other shit - animal: Cat - actor: Ehhh idk B - beer: Nah - birthday/birthplace: Jan 5, 1994 - best friend: Jade is my waifu 5ever but recently I've been talking to Sam most - body part on opposite sex: Eyes - best feeling in the world: Happiness - blind or deaf: Neither - best weather: Thunderstorm with heavy rain, or a heavy snowstorm. Either, really. Both are eerie and calming. It's one reason I miss the house that I mainly grew up in -- there was a huge bay window in the loft that viewed out over forest and countryside out past our street. We were the only house you could see. You could watch the snow fall gently and heavily, covering up all imperfections of the earth. - been in love: Currently am - been sold out?: wat - been on stage?: Yeah - believe in yourself?: Not particularly -- but the thing is, I try. - believe in life on other planets: We're either completely alone or we aren't. So, yeah? I feel like it's possible. - believe in miracles: you sexy thang - believe in magic: in a young girl's heart - believe in god: No. - believe in satan: No. - believe in santa: No. - believe in ghosts/spirits: Considering I've seen "ghosts" many times throughout my life, then...yeah? - believe in evolution: Evolution is pretty much proven? Like -- I don't know how anyone can be like EVOLUTION IS WRONG c - car: 1997 Toyota Camry - candy: JOLLY RANCHERS AND LEMONHEADS - colour: Purples and blues, or orange - cried in school: Eh, a few times - chocolate/vanilla: Vanilla - chinese/mexican: I heavily prefer Mexican food - cake or pie: Pie - countries to visit: Sweden, Britain, Germany, Russia, Poland, Japan D - day or night: Night - dream vehicle: 1967 Chevy Impala - danced: The only thing I was ever good at was breakdancing. - dance in the rain?: No - dance in the middle of the street?: No - do the splits?: Done it before E - eyes: Heterochromia -- green, silver, blue - everyone has: Skin - ever failed a class?: Yes, fuck 9th grade advanced algebra. Failed by half a percentage. Fucking fuck F - first crush: jfc no - full name: Eskil Nikolas Youdon'tgetalastname - first thoughts waking up: what day is it/what time is it - food: FRENCH FRIES G - greatest fear: Going blind, deaf, losing limbs - giver or taker: I'm too much of a giver and am always taken advantage of. It's something I'm trying to change about myself. - goals: Rid myself of the people who are poisoning me. - gum: I don't chew gum. - get along with your parents?: Yeah. I don't live with either of them so I don't ever fight with them. - good luck charms: None H - hair colour: Dark brown - height: 5'10"-11"? - happy: Eh - holidays: I fucking love Thanksgiving - how do you want to die: Quietly in my sleep, or doing something I love. Without pain, preferably. Something instant. - health freak?: Eh, not really. - hate: People who think they can use you and treat you like shit who then expect to be treated like royalty. Liars. I (in guys/girls) - eye colour: Green, blue, grey - hair colour: Brown - height: I prefer men my height or taller. I prefer women smaller than me because I am a dude and a dude being shorter than his girlfriend is awkward to me. - clothing style: As long as you aren't shoving yourself into shit four sizes too small, I don't care all too much. Though I'm not a fan of clothing that shows off cleavage, stomach, etc. Nothing too showy. Keep it covered and I'll respect you more. Sounds terrible but...eh. - characteristics: Kind. Forgiving. Understanding. Willing to accept criticism. Willing to work harder. Willing to fix things. - instrument: ???? who fucking cares seriously J - jewelry: Nah - job: Currently: retail worker. Wanted to be: airforce pilot or soldier in the army (couldn't because of health reasons! Hooray!) Currently want to be: Illustrator, writer K - kids: Can't have them. - kickboxing or karate: I know both - keep a journal?: No I - longest car ride: We stopped for a rest and everything but -- somewhere in the span of 20-30 hours? We regularly drove from Virginia to Mississippi and we drove to Florida once - love: Mike - letter: No - laughed so hard you cried: Yeah, sometimes - love at first sight: Nah M - milk flavour: Strawberry or Vanilla - movie: idk - mooned anyone?: no - marriage: Currently "unofficially" engaged - motion sickness?: yes - mcd's or bk: McDonald's. The only thing that could rival my love for the McChicken and large fries and pie would have been BK's chicken fries, but they discontinued them long ago. Fuck you, BK. Bring the damn things back. N - number of siblings: 2/3? - number of piercings: 0 - number: 3 O - overused phrases: what the fuck - one wish: To get over my anxiety - one phobia: :'I P - place you'd like to live: Sweden, or in a small house in England - pepsi/coke: Coke Q - quail: coo coo R - reason to cry: Anxiety, depression - reality t.v.: No - radio station: I don't listen to the radio - roll your tongue in a circle?: ok S - song: - shoe size: 10? I think? - sushi: eh - skipped school: yes - slept outside: yes - seen a dead body?: yes - smoked?: no - skinny dipped?: no - shower daily?: yes - sing well?: with some songs - in the shower?: guilty - swear?: a lot, honestly - stuffed animals?: yeees - single/group dates: single - strawberries/blueberries: strawberries - scientists need to invent: I dont' fucking know T - time for bed: whenever I feel like going to bed - thunderstorms: pls - touch your tongue to your nose?: yep U - unpredictable: idk - under the influence?: no - understanding?: yes V - vegetable you hate: sprouts - vegetable you love: peas, corn, potatoes/sweet potatoes if they count - vacation spot: idk W - weakness: anxiety - when you grow up: I am "grown up" and I fucking hate it - which one of your friends acts the most like you: Jade - who makes you laugh the most: Mike - worst feeling: being alone. - wanted to be a model?: no - worst weather: hot, humid - walk with a book on your head?: yes X - x-rays: eh Y -year it is now: 2014 -yellow: okay Z - zoo animal: idk - zodiac sign: Capricorn

I am 6% girly

Girly Quiz [ ] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish [ ] You own a designer purse [ ] You own perfume that cost over $60 [ ] You had/have fake nails [ ] You have more hair products and body products than you can use [ ] Your pet is a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier/Siamese/Shih Tzu/ mini anything [ ] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet [ ] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp [ ] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper [ ] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets Total: 0 Do you: [ ] Spend more time at the mall than you do at home/work [ ] Have had a hair color that is not natural [ ] Have "blonde moments" at least once a day [x] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear/use it [ ] Constantly keep your phone at your side 'for emergencies' Total so far: 1 ehhh sometimes iguess [ ] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home [ ] Have a name for your car [ ] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week [ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup [ ] Prefer to be called "princess" Total so far: 6 Do you love: [ ] Makeup [ ] Glitter [ ] The color Pink [ ] Jewelry [ ] Mirrors [ ] Chick flicks [ ] Shoes [ ] Rainbows [ ] Unicorns [x] Disney Movies [ ] Flowers [x] Stuffed Animals [ ] Purses Total so far: 3 Do you shop at: [ ] Coach [ ] Forever 21 [ ] Victoria's Secret [ ] Guess [ ] Claire's [ ] Express [ ] Delia's [ ] Hollister [ ] American Eagle [ ] Abercrombie Fitch Total so far: 3 no im cheap and refuse to dress like that i am a man after all Do you say: [ ] Whatever [ ] Oh my gosh [ ] Hun [ ] Fugly [ ] That's hot [ ] Dunzo [ ] Darling [ ] Bff [ ] Cutie [ ] Hottie [ ] Skank [ ] Totally [ ] For Sure [ ] Fabulous Total so far: 3 Do you read: [ ] Cosmopolitan [ ] Glamour [ ] Marie Claire [ ] Elle Girl [ ] Teen Vogue [ ] People [ ] Us Weekly [ ] Star [ ] Self [ ] PerezHilton.com [ ] Dlisted.com [ ] Seventeen [ ] people.com [ ] usmagazine.com [ ] popsugar.com [ ] Pink Is The New Blog.com Total so far: 3 Do you love these: [ ] Legally Blonde [ ] Elizabethtown <--- I have to say I love this or my husband will kill me X3 [ ] Mean Girls [ ] Now & Then [ ] The Notebook [ ] A Walk to Remember [ ] Sweet Home Alabama [ ] Where the Heart is [ ] Just my luck [ ] John Tucker Must Die [ ] Center stage [ ] Bring it On [ ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days [ ] Mona Lisa Smile [ ] My Girl [ ] Wedding Date [ ] 10 Things I Hate About You Total so far: 3 I have never seen any of those movies Do you really enjoy: [ ] America's Next Top Model [ ] Project Runway [ ] Desperate Housewives <--- NEVER MISSED A SINGLE ONE OMG [ ] The Simple Life [ ] 8th & Ocean [ ] Grey's Anatomy [ ] The O.C. [ ] The City [ ] Nip/Tuck [ ] Gilmore Girls [ ] Degrassi Total: 3 what the fuck are half of these things Now multiply it by two: 24 x 2 = 48 Post as "I am ___% girly"

How Old Were You When You...

Lost your Virginity? Never Lost someone close to you? Ehhh young? Like 5-ish? Consumed Alcohol? 19 Received a kiss? 16 Went to the hospital? Very young. Months old. I was premature. Has a broken heart? Ehhh idk Lost a pet? 7 Went to a concert? 13? Met someone famous? 13/14 Got in a car wreck? Young, idk how old Dyed your hair? Never have, never will Flew on an airplane? 17? Went to another state? Super young, under 2 years old probably Got a tattoo? Never Had a piercing? Like 4 Smoked pot? Never Smoked cigarette? Never Went to Disney land or world? 6? 7? Broke a bone? Never Had a long term relationship? 16-Current Passed out from drinking? Never Were dumped? 16?