Let's Give it One More Go

It's been three years since I last posted anything to this blog. The reasons extended in the previous post still ring true - I always have been, and always will be, extraordinarily lazy with an addition of now being in pain and exhausted all of the time. So, whether it's that I've improved upon being lazy (and are thus less lazy than before) and am just too tired from pain, or if nothing has changed at all besides the addition of One More Thing To Worry About, it's not really changed anything regarding my lack of posting. Or lack of doing anything. Or...whatever. Honestly I forget where I was going with this.

I digress.

Since the last post here, many things have changed about me but many things have remained quite amazingly similar. I'm still in Washington, still grooming dogs, and still am working myself into an early grave. On the flip, I've shaved my head, have grown out a beard and am seeking my inner flamboyant lumberjack, have been diagnosed with many things that throw some sense into why my life is a living hell, and have been on hormone replacement therapy for two years and eight months on February 1.

My mental health has not improved overall, but in some areas there has been a significant positive change. Since being on HRT my dysphoria has dropped to nearly nothing; of course I still get dysphoria over the fact that I'm not biologically the sex I should be, and the (major) body differences that come with it...however, growing facial hair, having my body shape change, my voice deepen, and the other things stereotypically associated with male puberty happening to me have been nothing but amazing and an improvement on my quality of life. I am hopeful that in the coming year I will have top surgery and become one step closer to my ideal-as-possible self.

Shockingly I've experienced little in terms of harassment or similar since transitioning. At the start there were some rough patches with some clients as they adjusted, and a single client screamed at two of my coworkers who told her I went by a new name (client previously knew me as my birth name) asking if 'there was a fucking sex change or something'. Client promptly got shit on by a coworker and stammered and guffawed and shut up (mostly). At this point she doesn't even recognize me and the woman has something similar to dementia so I don't take it too personally seeing as she may not have been 'herself' at the time. It was more of a general annoyance than anything. Luckily most people have been just fine in regards to it - more people have been accepting than critical and I'm extremely thankful to my coworkers who were nothing but wonderful and supporting of me.

Except one. Who is also a trans man (who thankfully has not worked at my location for over 2 years). Who turned everything into some fucked up pissing contest where the only real reward to any of it was standing in a puddle of piss and looking like an idiot. Once said person found out I was trans it turned into a 'oh well *I* waited x long for HRT', '*I* experienced *this* much discrimination', etc. etc. - shit that literally should never be a contest because it doesn't matter. Like yeah it matters in the context of 'providers shouldn't be running circles around you for five years for you to even be considered for hormones' and 'discrimination is bad', but that shit isn't something to brag over and this isn't some sort of pain olympics.

Sigh. Anyway.

My mental health is still garbage otherwise. I'm depressed, have been struggling with self harm again and eating disorders, my anxiety is vaguely managed but isn't anywhere near where I'd like it to be, my agoraphobia is coming back for round 2 (ding ding), I could go on and on and ON honestly.

But!

I would like to get back into writing again. Even if it's just jotting down stupid shit that's happened throughout the day. It's rare that I have energy to do much of anything outside of sitting down and merely existing but looking back on this blog is something I do every great once in a while. It's nice to look back and see where I was all those years ago and see how little some of my worries were then. My priorities when I first started this blog are VASTLY different than they are now and it's somehow comforting to know that in another 5, 10 years, my priorities will likely be greatly varied once more and many things I'm worrying about now will be long behind me.

It's extremely likely that no one reads this blog at all. I'm almost positive. There were never many people who read it to begin with and honestly, that's totally fine. This has always been here as a way to share my feelings, stories, happenings, thoughts, and whatever else whether it be with someone who stumbles across this randomly, or my future self.

That being said.

To anyone out there - hello. My name is Shane and thank you for reading.

Until next time.

Dear Public Diary,

So it's been a long while since I've posted anything of merit to this blog and honestly, that's because I'm extraordinarily lazy and like to say that I'm busy instead of actually taking responsibility for my laziness. Okay, so that's only partly true, but still.

At this point in my life there have been many changes. I started this blog whenever I was living in Pennsylvania, "maintained" it - for lack of a better word - some while living in West Virginia, and then ignored it almost completely once that whole "moving out" plan backfired and I was sent running back to PA with my tail between my legs. Since that fiasco I've moved to Washington state and have continued to mostly ignore keeping up with this blog. There have been one or two posts here or there, but it's been almost a year since my last post. Before that, it was about two years.

I've grown a lot in the past three years. For the last year and a half I've been living on the west coast and working with dogs as a bather/groomer and, honestly, I don't know if I've ever been this happy yet so depressed at the same time. Ever. And that's simultaneously amazing and terrifying.

Before I moved out here, I was living in PA with my brother and mother in a house and was horrifyingly depressed, anxious, dysphoric, and agoraphobic. The only times I ever left the house was to go to work or to go to the store to get copious amounts of food so that I could stay home without leaving my room for even longer amounts of time. I didn't really have a plan for my life (not that I ever did, really, but still) and so I didn't really push myself to do anything outside of my comfort zone. In fact, said comfort zone shrunk because of my lack of social outings and the general..."I'm going to stay in my room all day and never come out" thing.

My job at the time was an evening/night-shift one where I worked at a newspaper place in the back and placed inserts inside of newspapers and put the pages of the newspapers together. My average shift was going in anywhere between 6pm and 9pm, and staying until (most of the time) no later than midnight or 1am. Though there was a time I went in at 6pm and didn't get to leave until 7am the next morning, and that was New Years. But I digress.

So basically, most of the time I'd leave work, go to Sheetz, grab some food, head home, sit in front of my computer, eat, shower, go back to my computer, and stay up until 6 or 7am. Then I'd sleep until 3pm or later, get up, and do the whole thing over again. On my days off I just stayed in my room. There were very few times that I actually left my house to do anything. I don't think my friends really knew how bad my anxiety and depression were. Shit - I didn't even know how bad they were. The most social situation I would ever be in was being at work with the whole six or seven other people who worked there, or being in a group chat on Skype with numerous people who I didn't know. And I didn't talk in either situation.

In a nutshell I was a shell of a person. Just a lonely husk. Going where the wind took me and not really putting any fight into anything at all because really, what was the point? I had no plan for the rest of my life, couldn't be assed to come up with one, and didn't really care either. Everything at that point in my life seemed to be...impossible. Waking up was a chore and going throughout the day was exhausting to the point where I think that if I was forced into a social situation I'd probably full-on shut down.

Needless to say the year I was living with my mom and younger brother was not good. It was one of the worst years of my life so far. I had just gotten out of a situation that was toxic and dare I say abusive and was being contacted repeatedly by someone after I told them not to contact me anymore. Every day was a waking nightmare. When I wasn't being harassed via text and missed phone calls and emails and IMs, I was being threatened and harassed by my younger brother. This only escalated once my mother moved out and into her then-fiance-now-husband's home.

During my stay at this house with my brother, I lived upstairs. There were two windows; one at the top of the stairs and the other in the half bathroom. There were no windows in the bedrooms. So, even during the day when I was awake and not at work, I never got to see the sunlight because there were no windows in my room and if I were to go downstairs, I would be harassed and threatened and beat.

Effectively, when I moved out of an apartment and into this house, it was an "out of the frying pan and into the fire" situation.

It all came to a head when my now-SO was staying with us (and paying rent mind you so it was cheaper for everyone involved) and they and I went out to do some shopping, since at this point my brother wasn't buying anything and was just eating everything I'd bring home for myself and so I started hoarding cans of food in my room because otherwise I wouldn't be able to eat. We were gone for a few hours, the most I'd been gone from the house in MONTHS other than for my job. We pull out and my mom was there. We walked inside and she started screaming at me for having dishes left in the sink - dishes that were not mine, that I did not use. I was living in my room, eating things out of paper bowls with plastic utensils, and the plates that I did use were ones from my apartment that were a specific style and of a specific decor - those were the only ones I ever used.

My brother got in my face. Screaming. Yelling at me. Telling me I should just kill myself because what good is someone who can't do the dishes? What good am I if I can't be the maid for every little thing? What good am I if I don't keep the house spotless, even though it isn't my mess? What good is someone who's anxious, someone who's depressed, someone who is so terrified of the world? I was only terrified of the outside world because numerous people had treated me this way and so I did not trust anyone.

I went outside. My SO and mother followed. My SO went back in to get something out of the bedroom - I can't remember what it was. I don't remember many details. My brother shoved my SO out of the doorway, got in my SO's face, and said he could kill both of us if he wanted. Then he grabbed his gun, walked outside, and put it up to my face as I was having a panic attack, unable to breathe, and having to lean against my mom for support because I was falling over. He then put his finger on the trigger.

Then he hit me with the gun as he walked away. He continued screaming at me as he did so.

It was at that point I decided to move. Just to leave. I didn't care where, really, so long as my brother didn't know where it was and couldn't follow or find me for as LONG as possible. I had to get out of that town.

That's when I moved to Washington state.

Since then, it hasn't been easy. My life has been full of stress and uncertainty, but at least it is no longer full of emotional and physical abuse, and threats of murder. I never called the cops. I should have - but I didn't. I was too scared of any repercussions at that point because my brother is fucking insane and probably would have actually murdered me. It was another few weeks before I was able to leave completely. He was attempting to get into/was accepted into the military, and was just waiting on a date for...something I can't remember. I could've called his higher-ups and he would've been denied or gotten into trouble. Both, more than likely. But until you're in that situation you don't know how terrifying and gut-wrenching it is. I was uncomfortable in my own home before that - afterwards, I was absolutely panicked whenever I was home. I had no doors on my bedroom or office and there was no door to the upstairs. Had he wanted he could've waltzed up and done anything he wanted to and I would've been unable to stop him.

He definitely would've done so had he figured out that I'm a couple of things that he hates - non-straight and transgender. I kept it under wraps as much as possible while living there, as my mom was not aware of my trans status at the time, and my brother would speak of horrific things he wishes he could do to trans people, non-straight people, non-white people, and generally non-men. How anyone who isn't a white, straight, cis man is unfit to be in the population and should be killed off unless they have "good useful skills". So not only is he a racist, homophobic, generally nasty bigot, but he's also a eugenicist. And I tick off some of those boxes of his.

Honestly, thinking about and reliving this is almost enough to cause me substantial anxiety on its own, so that's where I'll stop with that.

Though, I haven't talked to my brother since. And I don't plan to. My family says things like, "oh, he's your brother, he loves you" and I'm sitting here, thinking - I told you he pointed a gun in my face and put his finger on the trigger. He used to beat me. He harassed me. He told me to kill myself, that I was worthless. And you're sitting there saying I should forgive him because he's family, and that someday I'll regret this?

No. I'll never regret this.

For what it's worth, I don't consider him my brother. I know he is - but he isn't. He isn't worthy of the title of family.

Ah, forgot to mention - he knocked up a much-younger teenage girl soon after I left and he was charged and sent to serve time for it. So there's that, as well.

Anyway.

Since being out here I've been able to discover more about myself and generally be myself more because I was completely unable to do that in PA. I was living in a town that, prior moving to WV, I had lived in for about ten years consecutively. I attended fifth grade through senior year, stuck around for another year and a half or so, and then moved down to WV. So in order to "be myself", I had to be somewhere that people didn't know me, where people didn't recognize me, and where, if people judged me, it wasn't such a big deal.

So when I moved out west, I moved in with a friend. Speeding things up a little here, I started going by a different name in person (only exception is at work where no one yet knew about my trans status), bought a binder, bought a packer, and have been in the process of redoing my wardrobe, because since I was about 8 or 9 all I've been living in have been graphic tees and jeans.

I moved out of my friend's house and into my own apartment in March 2016.

I'm currently on the look out for therapists who are taking new patients, and endocrinologists who can help me with my horomone-filled journey. Not to mention surgeons - though that's a bit more of a future-scope kind of thing.

I've cut my hair. On September 24, 2016, I shaved off the ass-length hair that had been growing since I was younger than 5. It felt great.

That's been my journey over the past couple of years. It's been a bumpy ride and a hell of a journey, but I'm still here. If there's anyone out there reading, I can only hope that you'll check back in and join me by reading about my travels and my pursuit of happiness.

Until next time.

Just Another Day in Paradise

Today was one of those days where you expect everything to go badly - not too badly, not like 'Timmy fell in a well' badly, but more like 'the store is out of stock of my favorite snack and everything is just not quite what it should be' badly. Basically nothing violent or too out of place, just slightly more stressful than usual, not quite unlike a weekend at your mother in law's.

I walked into work expecting to have around seven dogs to bathe and work with today. That isn't a LOT of dogs, per se - but three were large dogs (labs and a golden) and they take much longer to work on than, say, a Jack Russel or a Chihuahua would. So really, I was expecting to remain busy and not have too much else to do besides a few walk-in nail trims or ear cleanings. 

Punched in at 9am. Walked into the salon and my first dog was there -- an adorable little sweetie. She was wonderful for everything and her entire process went smoothly without any snags. I had another dog call in to be ADDED in, at 9:30. So that's eight dogs instead of the assumed seven. The second dog gets there around 9:30, I work with him and HE'S fantastic as well. Then my third dog gets there around 10! She's a regular of mine already and I love her to bits - she's a perfect little older Dachshund who is always absolutely perfect for the entire process of bathing, nail trims, ear cleaning, etc...I've never had any issues with her and I ALWAYS look forward to working with her.

No more dogs of mine were scheduled to be there until 11. I finished three dogs before 10:45. Good day so far! It put me ahead of schedule so I was hoping that my next two dogs (both in at like 11) would be in a bit early so that I could get a jump-start on them considering one had long hair and I wanted to make sure that it could dry before they were both sent home.

Over the course of the day, I even had a cancellation or two, and a no-show - so I had a few less dogs over the course of my shift. That turned out to be a VERY good thing, because almost immediately after I checked in my two 11-o-clock appointments, the salon got super busy. Not quite unlike a bee hive that went up in flames. It very much went from 'weekend at mother-in-laws' to 'somebody poisoned the waterhole'.

The phones were ringing off the hook, people were walking into the salon wanting to make appointments, people were picking up their dogs, people were dropping off their dogs, people were walking in to ask random questions, managers were popping in and out to take AWAY other groomers to ask questions, the list goes on. I wound up playing secretary for a little while, answering phones, making appointments, and answering questions -- after that was done with there were STILL people in the waiting area. An older gentleman with his dog, a younger woman with her child, and an older lady who looked really confused and pissed off who didn't have a dog with her. There was also a manager poking her head into the salon via the doorway to the store.

Anyway, I ask the people in the order that they got there if they'd been helped (since I'd been so swamped with phone calls I'd been unable to focus on who all was talked to - I just knew people showed up). The man was being helped, the woman needed her invoice (which I handed to her), and when I turned to the older woman to ask if she had been helped yet, she started losing her goddamn mind on me. To the point where you would've thought I insulted her taste in dress (which was bad to be honest), told her her breath smelled like ass, and then spit on her. 

She started screaming in my face that she was "SO ANGRY!" and "SO UPSET!" and "VERY DISPLEASED!" because "I DROPPED MY DOGS OFF AT 8 O'CLOCK THIS MORNING AND IT'S BEEN FOUR HOURS WHY IS THE ONE STILL GETTING HER HAIR CUT *HARPY SCREECH* THERE WERE NO DOGS HERE THIS MORNING THERE WERE NO OTHER DOGS WHY ARE MY DOGS NOT DONE *SCREAMING*". Keep in mind at this point it's like 11:30, and she dropped her dogs off at 8. At my location we ask for around FOUR HOURS to get a haircut done, and so if you're having two dogs done by the same person and both of your dogs are little shits who aren't trained and fight us every step of the way, then it CAN and WILL take those four hours.

I looked at her and just said "I don't know ma'am. I'm not the one working with your dogs. However, I can get your groomer for you if you would like to speak with her directly." I got fucking stared at. It almost was like a "I can't believe you're not stooping to my level and screaming back I wanT TO ARGUE WITH YOU!!!!" look. Before she could even say anything, her my co-worker (who was the lady's groomer for today) walked up and started explaining that we were super busy today (very true - just because you don't SEE any other dogs IN there doesn't mean there aren't dogs...our kennels are in a separate room that you can't see into from the outside!), that the dogs were being resistant to being groomed (also true, they kept being too wiggly to cut the hair around their faces very quickly or easily at all), and that the one dog kept peeing and pooping whenever she went to dry her. 

The woman quickly started blabbering on about how "It's animal cruelty to take four hours to groom a dog!" which got her stared at by like four other coworkers AND myself because we don't have dogs stand on a table for four hours - we have spacious kennels where they can lay down and have water and relax in between sessions. We aren't going to force a dog to stand that long anyway, even if they could! Either way, a haircut by itself, depending on what cut you're getting, takes around half an hour to MAYBE an hour and a half, IF that? I honestly don't think I've seen a haircut by itself take anything longer than an hour while I've been there except on super large dogs. Super tiny things don't take that long at all unless they're being little shits.

Harpy went on about it, screeching and screeching and screeching her fool head off like that would actually change something. She didn't seem to realize that the longer she stood and fought with her groomer (thirty minutes before her dogs were SCHEDULED TO BE READY), the longer it would take the groomer to finish up the face of the second dog (which is ALL that was left to be done, and would've taken like another 10 minutes had the woman not interrupted and bickered with the staff).

Eventually, she left. I don't know when. I'd been getting enough of a headache listening to her that I took my leave to the back and worked on my dogs that had been there almost an hour at that point (only after answering a few more calls of course, oh my lord). At some point I found myself back up front and it was eerily quiet. Wandered back to the back, kept working on my dogs, and was just thinking to myself -- how in the hell can someone be so fuckin' rude. But then I remember that's how some people just ARE to staff.

Don't get me wrong - I can understand how and why she would be upset, but her anger was completely blown out of proportion and misplaced. She was told four hours when she dropped off her dogs (this is ALWAYS what we tell people for haircuts, no exceptions - if your dog is done earlier we'll call you earlier). At 8am. It was 11:30 when she came in. She shouted and fought with coworkers and the managers until NOON. That's half an hour that someone could be working on your dog that you just fucked up because your impatient, forgetful ass had to start a fight with someone over the fact your dog was getting finishing touches.

This is honestly the reason I'm so GLAD that I don't really work in a customer service aspect anymore. I interact with a handful of customers a day and every single person I have dealt with myself has been EXTREMELY kind and courteous and understanding over everything, whether those things be our computer system running slowly for the day, us not being able to confirm information we need to confirm (in which case we need to reschedule), us not being able to take a dog in because it just got shots, etc - people are generally understanding about it. Some are upset but they're always just like 'oh well that sucks' kind of upset rather than 'this is a personal attack on me!'.

I dunno yo. If you're one of those rad people who try their best to train their dog, are always nice and understanding with the staff, and are generally pleasant to deal with, you rock. You make both of our lives so much easier whenever you're nice.

If you're one of those people who freaks out on people who are doing their damn best to work on your squirmy, shitting (although cute) animal despite the fact we could easily deny service, then...well, fuck you? Take your dog somewhere else? Though most other places have the same amount of waiting time. So have fun!

Yeah I'unno I'm just tired of people treating me and my coworkers like trash when they're the ones acting like garbage. *flips hands into air*

Hot Damn, Here I Am

Hot damn it's been a long-ass time since I updated this blog. Close to two years, actually, I believe? I would say that I can't believe it's been that long but in all honesty I'm lazy and forgetful so in reality it's super believable to myself that I'd forget to update something for two years.

Part of the reason this blog went inactive was because of the fact that I stopped working a retail job. Yep, that's right - I didn't have to deal with nasty, crazy, batshit, or otherwise off-the-wall customers from the autumn of 2014 until winter 2015. During about 12 months of that time I was working at a newspaper place in the back doing a ton of physical work where I had zero run-ins with anyone besides my co-workers (and even then, we didn't talk to one another much because of the work we were doing. Which, if you're wondering, was stuffing inserts/ads into papers as well as adding different physical sections to the papers as well). It was a job I quite loved and was sad whenever I had to leave. The people I worked with were FANTASTIC and I'd never worked at a job where I got along 100% (or...like 99%) with everyone.

Oh, yeah, and I'm no longer on the east coast. So that's a thing. The drive was a solid three days, stopping only for gas, food, and sleep (which we didn't do as much as we should have). If it's one thing I learned from that drive, it's "Fuck Montana". Montana is a cold, unforgiving place to drive through. But more on that later in another post!

Lots of other things have changed, as well. My life has been a pretty big roller coaster in the past two years - some bad things and some good things - and it's taken me for quite a wild ride. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't go through what I did, yet sometimes I still wish I could go back and change the outcome of some of the things that happened, either by altering it into a more desirable state or a completely different outcome altogether.

In the past two years, I have broken up with my long-term boyfriend of 4.5 years, moved a great distance, found myself in a new relationship, found a new job working with dogs all day, and, basically, found myself (or rather am in the process of doing so). It doesn't seem like a lot has changed when only the major factors are listed, but I've grown a lot as a person. Looking back, certain things that were out of my control completely stunted the growth of...well, my personality, to put it simply enough.

The "finding myself" bit is still something I'm working on (obviously), because it's something I knew had to change for probably 15 or so years? Since I was old enough to start forming actual memories I've kinda known something's been fucked up with me and that it needed to change, and that I was uncomfortable, and that I didn't like myself. It took until I was an adult to really realize that there is a name for what I was feeling and thinking and wanting and needing - when I was around 18/19 I started accepting that I am, in fact, transgender. Now I'm 22 and still sometimes fighting myself, fighting against what comes naturally (and that's being masculine). Because I don't want to disappoint people who think I'm a woman (which is bullshit, honestly - you shouldn't live to please people!), but I also don't want to disappoint those who think I'm a man. Passing is incredibly difficult whenever you are unable to chop all of your hair off at the drop of a hat -- luckily I have broad shoulders and a damn good binder and a deep voice (along with the ability to walk like a man), but the long hair tends to throw people off. So until I'm on T I'm going to have to, well, figure out a slow way to shorten my hair. I want it cropped off, yes, but a drastic change like that all at once probably isn't the best for me since I've had this hair since I was a child, hah.

Anyway -- I just wanted to give an update to anyone who may be out there. There's probably no one there, but it's just kinda nice to talk outwardly and express feelings without fear.

Peace out, and until next time
\\ Sebastian

MAH KIDS ARE IN MAH CAR!!! MAH KIDS!!!

[warning: LOTS OF SWEARING and text]

Okay so for those of you who don't know, I work in retail. You will hear stories from anyone who's worked retail for any significant length of time about "crazies". This is one of those stories.

For a while I was an assistant store manager, but when I switched stores, instead opted for being a cashier, instead (injury makes it hard for me to be on my feet for so many hours a week, which is already pretty bad just as a register jockey, but I digress). I have caught many shoplifters, both in my old store and new, but never once have I had such an interesting...experience with one. 

Tonight around 7:30PM, I was getting ready to go on my lunch break -- my normal time for when I'm working with the ASM, CJ. But then this lady walks in. The sign is up on my side saying I'm closed, I had my lunch bag in my hand about ready to clock out, and CJ says "Hey...mind ringing this lady up for me? Shit, have you clocked out?" To which I replied, "Nah dude, it's cool, I haven't clocked out yet so I'll ring her up for you"...and proceed to ring up the lady at the checkout while CJ goes and does whatever he needs to do (I didn't realize what was going on at this point).

After the customer leaves, CJ comes up to me and tells me that a known shoplifter is in the store. I ask who. He basically says "that short, fatter woman with the blonde hair that fills up the carts with shit and hides empty packages in it". I...knew exactly who he was talking about. Soooo...I don't go off to lunch; instead, I pace back and forth at the register area trying my best to keep an eye on this lady.

Backstory needed: In January, she came in on a night that CJ and I were working together. Kinda busy, but nothing super out of the ordinary -- just busy enough to keep us walking back and forth to the registers all night and unable to tend to any other task for more than a minute at a time. Anywho. Lady comes in, gets a cart, starts pushing it around -- nothing weird just yet. Until she starts piling a bunch of shit in it that...seems to not go together at all? Like...who buys 15 sticks of chapstick and seven different bras that are different sizes completely? She's still in the store for over an hour and while CJ and I are doing our best to keep our eye on her (because we're rightly suspicious), we just can't give all of our time to one person who we think is stealing and completely ignore the other customers in the store who are paying, loyal, and need help (basically it's better to lose like $30 to a shoplifter rather than lose a customer because they had to wait, essentially). So we kind of put it in the back of our minds and leave a mental note to check up on her after the rush dies down.

Well, rush dies down, and apparently while we were busy she managed to sneak out the doors with a shitload of merchandise (which we didn't quite realize at the time). We did a floor sweep of the store and I hear CJ go, "are you FUCKING serious" from a few aisles down. I reply, "wat". He tells me to "come look at what I [he] found". I head over and there's a cart overfilled. Bras, panties, shorts, socks, shirts, baby things, several packages of miscellaneous items, and like 20 packages of Midol...out of these things, several were opened and a few more were completely missing. Gone. Stolen. We were rightfully pissed.

Second time she came in is when CJ and another one of our cashiers were working and he was trying to keep an eye on her -- she eventually left her cart, again full of shit, having stolen like a few small things and leaving the packaging for some reason (which she tried to peel the anti-theft stickers off of).

ANYWHO.

She decides to come in tonight. First thing she does is grab a cart and go into the first aisle of the store (which includes the front right corner of the store). There's a round mirror orb in that corner and I'm on the opposite side of the shelving making noise and watching her to see if she reacts. Nope. Nada. Nothin'. CJ is in the process of "calling" Chuck (store manager, huge guy), saying he "left his keys here and needs to pick them up" (after really just texting him explaining the situation". We were playing along, being all "Haha well Chuck needs to come get his keys, if we forgot keys we'd be yelled at hahahahah", that kind of thing, while watching her from two angles. After a while, I see her start to turn the corner into the "open" side that I was on -- I immediately walk up, stare her dead in the face (with eye contact -- unbreaking) and fix some of the socks that were messed up. She quickly backs up and turns back around into the aisle she had been in. At this point, I thought to myself, "Surely she must know that I know what she's doing?" Well, either she was fucking stupid or overly confident/ballsy, because she kept rummaging around and throwing shit in her cart. 

I wind up having to help another customer, seeing as I was active cashier, while CJ continues watching Ms. Stealypants. I check a few people out, look up, Chuck's there (it's about 7:45-7:50 at this point). Lady isn't in the corner anymore -- CJ followed her to the clothing section a few "aisles" down. A little old woman comes up to my register and I start ringing up her little mints and teas and a few other small things she got. CJ walks behind her towards the front of the store -- we make eye contact and the look on our faces are a mixture of "AWWW YISS LMAO" and "oh fuck something's gonna happen, isn't it" -- as I hear Chuck going "EXCUSE ME, MA'AM" to the woman shoplifting.

Little old lady was in the process of paying. Suddenly, short blonde woman runs and I hear Chuck yelling "LOCK THE DOORS, CJ, LOCK THE DOORS". CJ runs and locks the doors. Little old lady had paid and gotten her receipt. Was standing there super confused. Chuck was standing in front of the "In" door, CJ in front of the "Out". Chuck is saying "MA'AM, you are being detained legally and without force" (because this was all on video that Chuck catches around the store via cameras he installed himself). Blonde shoplifter lady was screaming shit like, "MAH KIDS ARE IN THE CAR. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAAAND. MAH KIIIIDS ARE IN MAH CAR!" and "I HAD MONEY TO PAY FOR THIS!!!! I HAD MONEY!!!", etc. etc., talking about how she's going to sue the company...for what, being caught shoplifting and throwing a massive hissy fit? Lmao. She's suddenly worried about her supposed "kids" that she left in the car for like 20 minutes so she could shoplift? Yeeeeah, sure, honey -- but I'm not buying that one. Anyway -- little old lady is looking at me super confused and I just say, "I'm really sorry. It'll only be a minute." I walk around the counter and stand in front of the woman because at this point, shoplifter lady was swinging fists and screaming and I'd rather get pushed over or hit than have a little 85 year old lady hurt by this hooligan.

And...all of a sudden...she starts taking swings at me. Not hitting me -- just swinging her fists in my direction. Saying things like "I'LL HIT YOU!!! I WILL!! I'M GONNA!!! I WILL!!!!" and I just start egging her on, "Go ahead mate". Completely calm. Standing there like, okay, I don't give a fuck and if you hit me I'm going to sue the shit right outta your ass because I do not get paid enough to deal with your bullshit. She starts getting closer, and closer, continuing the "I'M GONNA HIT YOU!!! I WILL!!!!" screaming insults. So I do the only thing I can think of in that moment -- put my fists up and bellow "FUCKING DO IT THEN" about two inches from her face. She wails. Turns around. Runs for the door -- which CJ is still in front of -- and starts trying to claw her way out. Scratching CJ to hell. I reach for my pepperspray (which I normally carry)...yell all you want, make insults all you want, but as soon as you fucking touch me or my coworkers I swear to God I will fuck you up. I hardly have time to grab it out of my pocket before Chuck just goes, "Fine, let her go". CJ backs off, stupid woman runs out the door to her (surprisingly nice) car, hops in. Entire time she's swearing, saying she's gonna hurt us, etc. etc., that SHE'LL BE BACK!!! and she'll HIT US!! and yadda yadda yadda empty threats yadda yadda. All three of us run out the doors and get her license plate number.

A few customers from earlier happened to be in the parking lot sitting in their cars, talking to one another with their doors open...so...they saw and heard everything. Lady's screaming at me and CJ and we're standing there like "YOU WON'T DO SHIT". Customers are cheering. We are fuming. We get her license plate number and she fucking busts ass and peels rubber out of the parking lot, nearly hitting the edge of the bridge (which def. would have fucked her car up big time). She swerves all over the road, then she's gone. Meanwhile I'm just going, "Woooow biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihiiiihiiiitch," and half flipping her off as she drives away. I walk back inside, swearing and saying shit like "This is the SECOND fucking time I've been in here when she's done this shit, I am fucking DONE", etc. etc. CJ and Chuck are like "yeah I hear ya" and stay outside, as Chuck's in the middle of calling the cops.

Little old woman is still standing by my counter and looks at me and asks "...is it okay? Can I leave?" and I'm just like...omg I'm so sorry. You just had to witness me and my coworkers wrangle an angry troll. Holy shit I'm so sorry. And I apologize and she's just like "oh honey it's okay", being really sweet. I hold the door for her, she leaves, CJ and Chuck come back in. Cops are on their way. Customers from the car come up and are like "do you need someone to stay? for a witness? Anything?" and Chuck tells them no -- they're just filing a report, and we have cameras and the customers are a regular so in the case we do need to get ahold of them for a statement then it's easy enough to get in contact. So they leave after asking if he's sure like 5 or 6 times.

Chuck tells me to clock out for lunch, so I do. Grab my baggy of lunch and head back to the stock room (it's about 7:50 now). I can hardly eat. Wind up texting a few people being like "I don't even understand what the fuck just happened, and I was directly involved". Managed to down some things, but went back up to the front because I forgot my drink. Happen to be up there at just the right moment -- CJ had found her purse in the cart of shit that she was sifting through, adding more and more merch to. He takes it out to the cops and I'm standing there thinking, "Is this happening? Is this actually happening?" before laughing a bit to myself and going back to the back to finish my lunch.

Plates were run. Came back to her mother's name -- her mom's car, then. Found a Sam's Club membership card in her purse...same last name. Alright, so we know who it is, then. Stupid lady had shoved a can of foot spray in her purse...but forgot to take it with her when she suddenly forgot HER KIYADS!!! were in the car outside for like 30 minutes. 

Cops took the footage from January when she first was stealing, and the footage of the incident after that. We're gonna get her for everything.

I would have loved to see the look on her face when a) she realized she forgot her purse with a card with her name on it in the store and b) she's caught.

We're thinking she has a drug problem. She's constantly hanging out with the dudes who sell drugs around town and she's probably stealing things in order to resell it or give to people in order to get more drugs. It's sad, yeah, but really irritating at the same time.

It's hilarious in hindsight but...damn. It's like my anxiety took a back seat for this one. I guess I was so tired of being treated like shit by customers that I just let loose -- and...honestly, it's about fucking time. After being harassed because I wouldn't open my drawer to give change (I actually can't without an override and EMERGENCIES ONLY), and being creeped on by a guy who I guess thought I was interested and that androgynous dudes are hot (spoiler: I'm not, I'm engaged, and WOW that was uncomfortable) even when I told him to fuck off, I had a bit of an issue with holding back more anger. It's like my rage spill container overflowed and just seeped out of everything. It's all over the floor. Oh no. What a mess.

EDIT: The things that I noticed in her cart were as follows:
- Like four or five lamps
- About 20 packs of Midol
- Several pairs of socks
- 10 or so pairs of bras and underwear
- A bunch of other, random medicines
- Like all of the chapstick that we had had on the shelf
- Some shirts
- Some purses
- Foot care items
- Six or seven pairs of shoes
Annnnd even more.

idk what this is

A - available: No - age: 20 - annoyance: Customers, children, the sound of coughing, eating, or crunching - allergic: Lactose, gluten, some other shit - animal: Cat - actor: Ehhh idk B - beer: Nah - birthday/birthplace: Jan 5, 1994 - best friend: Jade is my waifu 5ever but recently I've been talking to Sam most - body part on opposite sex: Eyes - best feeling in the world: Happiness - blind or deaf: Neither - best weather: Thunderstorm with heavy rain, or a heavy snowstorm. Either, really. Both are eerie and calming. It's one reason I miss the house that I mainly grew up in -- there was a huge bay window in the loft that viewed out over forest and countryside out past our street. We were the only house you could see. You could watch the snow fall gently and heavily, covering up all imperfections of the earth. - been in love: Currently am - been sold out?: wat - been on stage?: Yeah - believe in yourself?: Not particularly -- but the thing is, I try. - believe in life on other planets: We're either completely alone or we aren't. So, yeah? I feel like it's possible. - believe in miracles: you sexy thang - believe in magic: in a young girl's heart - believe in god: No. - believe in satan: No. - believe in santa: No. - believe in ghosts/spirits: Considering I've seen "ghosts" many times throughout my life, then...yeah? - believe in evolution: Evolution is pretty much proven? Like -- I don't know how anyone can be like EVOLUTION IS WRONG c - car: 1997 Toyota Camry - candy: JOLLY RANCHERS AND LEMONHEADS - colour: Purples and blues, or orange - cried in school: Eh, a few times - chocolate/vanilla: Vanilla - chinese/mexican: I heavily prefer Mexican food - cake or pie: Pie - countries to visit: Sweden, Britain, Germany, Russia, Poland, Japan D - day or night: Night - dream vehicle: 1967 Chevy Impala - danced: The only thing I was ever good at was breakdancing. - dance in the rain?: No - dance in the middle of the street?: No - do the splits?: Done it before E - eyes: Heterochromia -- green, silver, blue - everyone has: Skin - ever failed a class?: Yes, fuck 9th grade advanced algebra. Failed by half a percentage. Fucking fuck F - first crush: jfc no - full name: Eskil Nikolas Youdon'tgetalastname - first thoughts waking up: what day is it/what time is it - food: FRENCH FRIES G - greatest fear: Going blind, deaf, losing limbs - giver or taker: I'm too much of a giver and am always taken advantage of. It's something I'm trying to change about myself. - goals: Rid myself of the people who are poisoning me. - gum: I don't chew gum. - get along with your parents?: Yeah. I don't live with either of them so I don't ever fight with them. - good luck charms: None H - hair colour: Dark brown - height: 5'10"-11"? - happy: Eh - holidays: I fucking love Thanksgiving - how do you want to die: Quietly in my sleep, or doing something I love. Without pain, preferably. Something instant. - health freak?: Eh, not really. - hate: People who think they can use you and treat you like shit who then expect to be treated like royalty. Liars. I (in guys/girls) - eye colour: Green, blue, grey - hair colour: Brown - height: I prefer men my height or taller. I prefer women smaller than me because I am a dude and a dude being shorter than his girlfriend is awkward to me. - clothing style: As long as you aren't shoving yourself into shit four sizes too small, I don't care all too much. Though I'm not a fan of clothing that shows off cleavage, stomach, etc. Nothing too showy. Keep it covered and I'll respect you more. Sounds terrible but...eh. - characteristics: Kind. Forgiving. Understanding. Willing to accept criticism. Willing to work harder. Willing to fix things. - instrument: ???? who fucking cares seriously J - jewelry: Nah - job: Currently: retail worker. Wanted to be: airforce pilot or soldier in the army (couldn't because of health reasons! Hooray!) Currently want to be: Illustrator, writer K - kids: Can't have them. - kickboxing or karate: I know both - keep a journal?: No I - longest car ride: We stopped for a rest and everything but -- somewhere in the span of 20-30 hours? We regularly drove from Virginia to Mississippi and we drove to Florida once - love: Mike - letter: No - laughed so hard you cried: Yeah, sometimes - love at first sight: Nah M - milk flavour: Strawberry or Vanilla - movie: idk - mooned anyone?: no - marriage: Currently "unofficially" engaged - motion sickness?: yes - mcd's or bk: McDonald's. The only thing that could rival my love for the McChicken and large fries and pie would have been BK's chicken fries, but they discontinued them long ago. Fuck you, BK. Bring the damn things back. N - number of siblings: 2/3? - number of piercings: 0 - number: 3 O - overused phrases: what the fuck - one wish: To get over my anxiety - one phobia: :'I P - place you'd like to live: Sweden, or in a small house in England - pepsi/coke: Coke Q - quail: coo coo R - reason to cry: Anxiety, depression - reality t.v.: No - radio station: I don't listen to the radio - roll your tongue in a circle?: ok S - song: - shoe size: 10? I think? - sushi: eh - skipped school: yes - slept outside: yes - seen a dead body?: yes - smoked?: no - skinny dipped?: no - shower daily?: yes - sing well?: with some songs - in the shower?: guilty - swear?: a lot, honestly - stuffed animals?: yeees - single/group dates: single - strawberries/blueberries: strawberries - scientists need to invent: I dont' fucking know T - time for bed: whenever I feel like going to bed - thunderstorms: pls - touch your tongue to your nose?: yep U - unpredictable: idk - under the influence?: no - understanding?: yes V - vegetable you hate: sprouts - vegetable you love: peas, corn, potatoes/sweet potatoes if they count - vacation spot: idk W - weakness: anxiety - when you grow up: I am "grown up" and I fucking hate it - which one of your friends acts the most like you: Jade - who makes you laugh the most: Mike - worst feeling: being alone. - wanted to be a model?: no - worst weather: hot, humid - walk with a book on your head?: yes X - x-rays: eh Y -year it is now: 2014 -yellow: okay Z - zoo animal: idk - zodiac sign: Capricorn

I am 6% girly

Girly Quiz [ ] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish [ ] You own a designer purse [ ] You own perfume that cost over $60 [ ] You had/have fake nails [ ] You have more hair products and body products than you can use [ ] Your pet is a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier/Siamese/Shih Tzu/ mini anything [ ] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet [ ] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp [ ] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper [ ] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets Total: 0 Do you: [ ] Spend more time at the mall than you do at home/work [ ] Have had a hair color that is not natural [ ] Have "blonde moments" at least once a day [x] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear/use it [ ] Constantly keep your phone at your side 'for emergencies' Total so far: 1 ehhh sometimes iguess [ ] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home [ ] Have a name for your car [ ] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week [ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup [ ] Prefer to be called "princess" Total so far: 6 Do you love: [ ] Makeup [ ] Glitter [ ] The color Pink [ ] Jewelry [ ] Mirrors [ ] Chick flicks [ ] Shoes [ ] Rainbows [ ] Unicorns [x] Disney Movies [ ] Flowers [x] Stuffed Animals [ ] Purses Total so far: 3 Do you shop at: [ ] Coach [ ] Forever 21 [ ] Victoria's Secret [ ] Guess [ ] Claire's [ ] Express [ ] Delia's [ ] Hollister [ ] American Eagle [ ] Abercrombie Fitch Total so far: 3 no im cheap and refuse to dress like that i am a man after all Do you say: [ ] Whatever [ ] Oh my gosh [ ] Hun [ ] Fugly [ ] That's hot [ ] Dunzo [ ] Darling [ ] Bff [ ] Cutie [ ] Hottie [ ] Skank [ ] Totally [ ] For Sure [ ] Fabulous Total so far: 3 Do you read: [ ] Cosmopolitan [ ] Glamour [ ] Marie Claire [ ] Elle Girl [ ] Teen Vogue [ ] People [ ] Us Weekly [ ] Star [ ] Self [ ] PerezHilton.com [ ] Dlisted.com [ ] Seventeen [ ] people.com [ ] usmagazine.com [ ] popsugar.com [ ] Pink Is The New Blog.com Total so far: 3 Do you love these: [ ] Legally Blonde [ ] Elizabethtown <--- I have to say I love this or my husband will kill me X3 [ ] Mean Girls [ ] Now & Then [ ] The Notebook [ ] A Walk to Remember [ ] Sweet Home Alabama [ ] Where the Heart is [ ] Just my luck [ ] John Tucker Must Die [ ] Center stage [ ] Bring it On [ ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days [ ] Mona Lisa Smile [ ] My Girl [ ] Wedding Date [ ] 10 Things I Hate About You Total so far: 3 I have never seen any of those movies Do you really enjoy: [ ] America's Next Top Model [ ] Project Runway [ ] Desperate Housewives <--- NEVER MISSED A SINGLE ONE OMG [ ] The Simple Life [ ] 8th & Ocean [ ] Grey's Anatomy [ ] The O.C. [ ] The City [ ] Nip/Tuck [ ] Gilmore Girls [ ] Degrassi Total: 3 what the fuck are half of these things Now multiply it by two: 24 x 2 = 48 Post as "I am ___% girly"