Smokey

I used to have a dog. She was adorable and liked to eat socks.

Above: Retardedly adorable puppy.

A mixture of German Shepard, Husky, wolf and Labrador, she was like a horse. I swear to GOD this dog's feet were as large as my hands used to be. She also seemed to like to be an idiot, but I don't think she did this on purpose. It was just who she was. She enjoyed being herself.

I guess I should tell you about why we decided to get a dog. We already had a vicious hellcat (and he's still with us, 9 years old and still an asshole, as Boyfriend and Best Friend can attest to), but we figured that since we lived in a rural area that we had never really lived in before and thus didn't know anyone or anything about the town or whatever that it would be good to have a dog. A big one, preferably, as to ward off any potential attackers, or rapists, or anyone who would climb in our windows and snatch our people up.

So we began searching through ads in the paper, and online, for dogs for sale or up for adoption in and around our area. We found a guy who was adopting out my dog and her siblings, free to a good home, so we were like 'hurrdurr let's get one' so we hopped into the SUV and drove an hour and a half to get this goddamned puppy.

Once we got there, the guy was like 'HEY THE DOGS ARE IN THE BARN, I'LL SHOW YOU THEM' so we went out to the barn and there were tons of puppies just roaming and playing on buckets and in hay and they were all like HEY WE'RE PUPPIES and I was like I FUCKING LOVE PUPPIES and they were like LOL I LOVE YOU and I was all LOL I LOVE YOU TOO LET ME STEAL YOU.

 There were all of the normal puppies, but then, there was her.

Staring sadly, yet somehow contentedly, at a wall. Like she was in some great staring contest. She was absolutely adorable, and the fluffiest of all the puppies. She did, however, seem to be a bit retarded, and that could be a problem in the future, but it wasn't then. She was the most cute retarded puppy thing I had ever seen, ever.

I fell in love with this puppy immediately.

 

I needed to take this puppy home. I needed to love her, and pet her, and play with her. To teach her the ways of the wild, how to defend our home and our family, and how to go for the crotch if all else failed.

I pointed this dog out to my mother, who also decided that the dog that would soon come to be known as Smokey, was the most adorable and that we definitely had to take it home. My mother and I knew that she would be the perfect addition to our new 'family'.

So we put her in the very back of the SUV, after folding down all of the seats and stuff. My brother and I sat in the middle row since we still needed to be buckled up, but we wanted to pet the dog. And watch her. And be creepy. 

The creepiness part seemed to work, since she was perfectly fine before my brother and I started to stare at her.

That's when she started to whine. And cry, and whine some more. She even threw in a bit of barking and growling and howling for good measure. After awhile, though, she seemed to calm down, and she laid down in the back of the SUV, and we all assumed she went to sleep. My brother and I looked back at her a few times just to make sure she didn't die of Sudden Puppy Death Syndrome, but she was fine every time so we stopped checking on her so much (AKA, every three minutes).

It all seemed to be going well until we made it into town; we were maybe 8-10 minutes from our house at this point, but we were stuck at a traffic light because people don't know how to drive and someone was just sitting out in the middle of the street all LOL HOW DO I CAR? so we had to sit there for a few minutes. All was good, until this happened.

Above: BLARGHGHFDKJSKDFJAKLSGJADK

We looked back after hearing this absolutely horrid sound, and it turns out that she had vomited all over the back of the SUV. She then decided that she was going to eat all of the magical food that she had somehow produced ~*magically*~. Which just made her throw up more. She did this countless times before we were able to stop her, since my brother and I didn't want to touch vomit-y dog and my stepdad or mom would have yelled had we climbed into the back and tried to stop her.

So by the time we got home, the back of the SUV was relatively clean, but we had a very vomit-y mess of a dog.

She seemed pretty alright with it, considering she did just eat piles of her own stomach juices and contents. Repeatedly.

She seemed alright with it until she had to take a bath, anyway. That's when it all turned bad. We were running the water and she was like OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY WHAT IS IT I WANT TO SEE IT LET ME IN I WANT TO PLAY IN IT OH BOY until we actually put her in there. That's when she got all SADFACE:( and whined and cried.

But we made her deal with it. She had eaten her own puke and it was time to pay the consequences for being messy.

That night, after we had all eaten dinner, and gotten Smokey settled in, it was time for bed. My brother was saying he wanted the dog to stay in his room, and I, having Sam (the cat) in my room nearly every night, didn't bother to fight him.

So Smokey stayed with my brother, and the next morning his bed, floors, and lower parts of his wall were smeared and covered with more dog vomit.

We got that cleaned up, and my brother decided that he wanted to play with the Gamecube, which was located in my bedroom. So, I'm like okay, whatever, just don't go through my stuff, play your game and get out and so he did.

For some unexplained reason, Smokey seemed to like to throw up around my brother as much as possible. Whether it was some smell he gave off, or she just didn't like him, she'd always find a way to get near him or one of his possessions and throw up all to hell on, around, and if possible, in it.

My brother playing Gamecube, blissfully unaware of his surroundings and what was going on in them, was the perfect way for Smokey to throw up without him noticing her gagging and making all sorts of horrible sounds, because he'd have the TV up to like, 80 playing his games.

So, Smokey saw him sitting on the floor, walked over, and, without a second thought, threw up all over the controller - and his hands.

I hear my brother screaming, yelling, and calling the dog 'stupid' and other such names, so I run up to my room and ask him what's wrong.

His only response?

When did she eat spaghetti?

This is how we found out she had worms.