my panic attacks ruin just about everything.
well in fact, they do ruin everything.
Because whenever one happens I can't breathe very well (or at all) so I just reply with simple things to those who I am talking to or I just won't reply at all because im too busy freaking out over not breathing to do much okay
God damn it. I hate this.
Randomly not being able to breathe is not fun. It feels like I'm dying. Which I basically am.
And fucking hell WHY CAN'T I STOP CRYING.
CRYING = SOBBING
In order to sob I need to breathe
jesus who thought of these things, i mean really
thanks for coming on without any warning, you fuckers. I hope you burn in hellfire for all eternity and have to witness your mother's corpse being stuffed with the feces of 1,000,000 badgers and then made love to by a giant toad.
You made me worry Boyfriend and now I feel terrible. Worse than what a panic attack does. I'm going to go cry and hate stuff now like typical emotional teenager
why does my body hate me
why
Monday, January 24, 2011
Of Chloroform And Nyquil
11:22pm
Jake:
I cAn't sleep ;a;
Me:
Jake:
Sorry
Sorry
Me:
ohhhh I see
Jake:
Butbutbut I'm _____ tomorrow
Jake:
Butbutbut I'm _____ tomorrow
Hi
This is going to be a post about Boyfriend. Because he makes me happy and he made me happy so now I'm happy so I'm writing this post.
I love Boyfriend.
He is great and adorable and sweet and perfect. More than perfect.
He puts up with me even though I'm slowly (and somewhat steadily) recovering from love-starvation, which makes me even clingier and more obsessive than I normally would be; and I'm already a really clingy needy person. I don't know how he puts up with me and my emotions. I don't know how he puts up with my 'randomness' and stupid shenanigans and ideas that I seem to have. But he does.
Boyfriend is always there for me whenever I'm upset. I'm really really annoying whenever I'm upset, because I get all fuck you I hate everything wait no I don't. I'm sorry. I love you, please don't hate me, but then again, I'm really really annoying even when I'm acting perfectly normal (for being me. Normal is apparently a relative term now). He always talks to me and somehow calms me down just by doing so. Just by hearing his voice, panic attacks have been diverted. Which is weird and has never happened before - as in, me talking to someone or hearing someone and winding up not freaking out. He just calms me down a lot.
Boyfriend somehow manages to make me calm down even when I turn into a creeper ready to explode at any waking moment and take out the entire planet. He makes me laugh even if I'm sad and crying so hard it looks (and feels) like my face is going to break. He makes me smile even if I'm crying. He somehow manages to cheer me up and make me happy no matter what mood I was in before. He is just that amazing.
Also, he can cook.
He tells me that I'm pretty and I don't believe him. But whenever I disagree he seems to be sad so I feel sad and then I feel horrible and he seems to be good at guilt-tripping me without meaning to. However, if he tries to guilt-trip me on purpose I will likely not get it because I am retarded.
I am quite surprised that Boyfriend has managed to put up with me for this long. I am irritating and a generally obnoxious person. I say stupid things a lot, I put words in the wrong order, I misunderstand a lot of things and I'm an idiot. But somehow he loves me anyway and for the love of all that is holy, I cannot figure out why. But at the same time, I don't care really. Because I just need him.
I love him. I'm going to steal and marry Boyfriend one day.
Just you wait.
I love Boyfriend.
He is great and adorable and sweet and perfect. More than perfect.
He puts up with me even though I'm slowly (and somewhat steadily) recovering from love-starvation, which makes me even clingier and more obsessive than I normally would be; and I'm already a really clingy needy person. I don't know how he puts up with me and my emotions. I don't know how he puts up with my 'randomness' and stupid shenanigans and ideas that I seem to have. But he does.
Boyfriend is always there for me whenever I'm upset. I'm really really annoying whenever I'm upset, because I get all fuck you I hate everything wait no I don't. I'm sorry. I love you, please don't hate me, but then again, I'm really really annoying even when I'm acting perfectly normal (for being me. Normal is apparently a relative term now). He always talks to me and somehow calms me down just by doing so. Just by hearing his voice, panic attacks have been diverted. Which is weird and has never happened before - as in, me talking to someone or hearing someone and winding up not freaking out. He just calms me down a lot.
Boyfriend somehow manages to make me calm down even when I turn into a creeper ready to explode at any waking moment and take out the entire planet. He makes me laugh even if I'm sad and crying so hard it looks (and feels) like my face is going to break. He makes me smile even if I'm crying. He somehow manages to cheer me up and make me happy no matter what mood I was in before. He is just that amazing.
Also, he can cook.
He tells me that I'm pretty and I don't believe him. But whenever I disagree he seems to be sad so I feel sad and then I feel horrible and he seems to be good at guilt-tripping me without meaning to. However, if he tries to guilt-trip me on purpose I will likely not get it because I am retarded.
I am quite surprised that Boyfriend has managed to put up with me for this long. I am irritating and a generally obnoxious person. I say stupid things a lot, I put words in the wrong order, I misunderstand a lot of things and I'm an idiot. But somehow he loves me anyway and for the love of all that is holy, I cannot figure out why. But at the same time, I don't care really. Because I just need him.
I love him. I'm going to steal and marry Boyfriend one day.
Just you wait.
Hey So I Found This
I found this...quiz thing somewhere randomly on deviantART and since I don't feel like spamming my watchers there with another shitty journal no one would read, I've decided that I'll spam some people who see this with another shitty post no one will read.
This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
★ If I wasn't, then why the hell would I be taking this? Gosh.
If you were caught cheating on a test, would you fess up?
★ Well, obviously. But I'd also never get caught, because I'd never do it in the first place.
The last time you felt honestly broken?
★ June 21st, 2010. On the 22nd even though it sounds totally cliché and stupid and retarded, boyfriend picked me up, dusted me off and told me he loved me and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It was adorable and sweet and he may not like me telling random people on the internet this but guys. Seriously.
Are you craving something?
★ Reese's cups, and I don't know why. Also, birch beer. Which I just finished the last of Saturday.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
★ Boyfriend.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
★ Uhhhh hard choice. Would Boyfriend care either way? Well. He can choose. I want kids but I'm not sure I could handle ten. /points to Boyfriend
What do you hear right now?
★
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
★ No.
What’s on your mind right now?
★ Boyfriend.
Are you there for your friends?
★ Whenever they need me, and a lot of the time even when they don't. I'm an extremely clingy person. Why Boyfriend hasn't told me to leave him alone yet is beyond me.
Last person to see you cry?
★ Boyfriend.
What do you do when you get nervous?
★ Cry to boyfriend, whine, complain, and quite often get panic attacks. Then I complain and cry to Boyfriend some more and then I feel bad because I made him worry.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
★ Not really.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
★ I'm betting between the ages of 23 and 26, though...24 sounds okay.
Does anyone completely understand you?
★ Boyfriend. Best Friend. Other Best Friend. At least, they know as much about me as I do about myself, so what that says, I'm not sure.
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
★ Yes. Other Best Friend and Boyfriend. Boyfriend? Many times.
Boyfriend, you will never lose me, ever. I am broken and stupid and a tad more insane (in the bad way) without you.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
★ Only to be able to relive moments with Boyfriend.
Are you easy to get along with?
★ As long as you can put up with me being an idiot, yes. Unless you never shut the hell up and are annoying.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
★ If I hated them why would I have a conversation with them
seriously I don't get people like that
what the fuck is wrong with you females
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
★ Pepsi even though I hate it and it is the devil's piss.
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
★ Before.
Do you like the rain?
★ I love the rain. And snow. Rain sounds nice, but snow is something I can play in with Boyfriend.
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
★ Harry Potter, with Mom and Brother
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
★ Nosir I am no whore. I only kiss Boyfriend. And my cats.
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
★ Concert
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
★ Uh
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
★ Lol. Yes. Stalker 1's ex.
Do you miss anyone?
★ Yes. Boyfriend.
Last person who made you cry?
★ My mom. And Boyfriend. Well, not Boyfriend himself but I said something stupid and then I felt bad and I thought he was upset so I cried.
Does your ex (or exes) piss you off?
★ Not them in particular. However, the things that they did to me I'll always be hurt and pissed off about. Like the cheating and trying to use me and do things to me I didn't want.
What are you doing tomorrow?
★ School. Talking to Boyfriend, Best Friend, Other Best Friend, and Stalker 1 and 2.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
★ I've never had a relationship that lasted less than 3 months. So no.
However, Boyfriend and I are in an amazing long-lasting relationship and...are technically engaged. Just not officially. So if any of y'all want to come to the wedding you'll have to let me know.
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
★ Boyfriend. And Other Best Friend. I see Best Friend every day and she never sees me out of school anyway. So we just...derp around during classes and in the hall. Boyfriend = cuddles and wonderful adventures through Walmart and the woods behind my house. Other Best Friend = hug give and adventures throughout my kitchen.
Have you ever been cheated on?
★ Yes. Multiple times.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
★ Meh. I used to try giving things my all, but nothing meant as much to me ever before as Boyfriend does now. He's the only thing and person I give my all to. Because he is mine and it's going to stay that way because I am creepy and obsessed and clingy and I love him so shut your face. I'm going to marry Boyfriend one day even if he says he doesn't want to. He says he does but sometimes I think he doesn't but that's just my paranoid self.
But he does.
Do you like cotton candy?
★ God yes. Straight sugar.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
★ Boyfriend.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
★ Yes. Boyfriend. He is comfortable and my personal pillow. And blanket. And bed in general.
How has the past week been for you?
★ Kinda stressful and not without panic attacks, however, I have Boyfriend and Best Friends so I am all okay. I hope.
What is your current mood?
★ Boyfriend-want. Boyfriend-need. Also laughing because Stalker 1 is talking to me about Boyfriend, and Stalker 1's ex over Skype and it's somewhat amusing because butts.
And that is how I died.
The end.
This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?
★ If I wasn't, then why the hell would I be taking this? Gosh.
If you were caught cheating on a test, would you fess up?
★ Well, obviously. But I'd also never get caught, because I'd never do it in the first place.
The last time you felt honestly broken?
★ June 21st, 2010. On the 22nd even though it sounds totally cliché and stupid and retarded, boyfriend picked me up, dusted me off and told me he loved me and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It was adorable and sweet and he may not like me telling random people on the internet this but guys. Seriously.
Are you craving something?
★ Reese's cups, and I don't know why. Also, birch beer. Which I just finished the last of Saturday.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
★ Boyfriend.
Would you rather have ten kids, or none?
★ Uhhhh hard choice. Would Boyfriend care either way? Well. He can choose. I want kids but I'm not sure I could handle ten. /points to Boyfriend
What do you hear right now?
★
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
★ No.
What’s on your mind right now?
★ Boyfriend.
Are you there for your friends?
★ Whenever they need me, and a lot of the time even when they don't. I'm an extremely clingy person. Why Boyfriend hasn't told me to leave him alone yet is beyond me.
Last person to see you cry?
★ Boyfriend.
What do you do when you get nervous?
★ Cry to boyfriend, whine, complain, and quite often get panic attacks. Then I complain and cry to Boyfriend some more and then I feel bad because I made him worry.
Be honest, do you like people in general?
★ Not really.
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
★ I'm betting between the ages of 23 and 26, though...24 sounds okay.
Does anyone completely understand you?
★ Boyfriend. Best Friend. Other Best Friend. At least, they know as much about me as I do about myself, so what that says, I'm not sure.
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?
★ Yes. Other Best Friend and Boyfriend. Boyfriend? Many times.
Boyfriend, you will never lose me, ever. I am broken and stupid and a tad more insane (in the bad way) without you.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?
★ Only to be able to relive moments with Boyfriend.
Are you easy to get along with?
★ As long as you can put up with me being an idiot, yes. Unless you never shut the hell up and are annoying.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
★ If I hated them why would I have a conversation with them
seriously I don't get people like that
what the fuck is wrong with you females
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?
★ Pepsi even though I hate it and it is the devil's piss.
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?
★ Before.
Do you like the rain?
★ I love the rain. And snow. Rain sounds nice, but snow is something I can play in with Boyfriend.
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
★ Harry Potter, with Mom and Brother
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
★ Nosir I am no whore. I only kiss Boyfriend. And my cats.
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?
★ Concert
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?
★ Uh
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?
★ Lol. Yes. Stalker 1's ex.
Do you miss anyone?
★ Yes. Boyfriend.
Last person who made you cry?
★ My mom. And Boyfriend. Well, not Boyfriend himself but I said something stupid and then I felt bad and I thought he was upset so I cried.
Does your ex (or exes) piss you off?
★ Not them in particular. However, the things that they did to me I'll always be hurt and pissed off about. Like the cheating and trying to use me and do things to me I didn't want.
What are you doing tomorrow?
★ School. Talking to Boyfriend, Best Friend, Other Best Friend, and Stalker 1 and 2.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?
★ I've never had a relationship that lasted less than 3 months. So no.
However, Boyfriend and I are in an amazing long-lasting relationship and...are technically engaged. Just not officially. So if any of y'all want to come to the wedding you'll have to let me know.
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
★ Boyfriend. And Other Best Friend. I see Best Friend every day and she never sees me out of school anyway. So we just...derp around during classes and in the hall. Boyfriend = cuddles and wonderful adventures through Walmart and the woods behind my house. Other Best Friend = hug give and adventures throughout my kitchen.
Have you ever been cheated on?
★ Yes. Multiple times.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
★ Meh. I used to try giving things my all, but nothing meant as much to me ever before as Boyfriend does now. He's the only thing and person I give my all to. Because he is mine and it's going to stay that way because I am creepy and obsessed and clingy and I love him so shut your face. I'm going to marry Boyfriend one day even if he says he doesn't want to. He says he does but sometimes I think he doesn't but that's just my paranoid self.
But he does.
Do you like cotton candy?
★ God yes. Straight sugar.
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?
★ Boyfriend.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?
★ Yes. Boyfriend. He is comfortable and my personal pillow. And blanket. And bed in general.
How has the past week been for you?
★ Kinda stressful and not without panic attacks, however, I have Boyfriend and Best Friends so I am all okay. I hope.
What is your current mood?
★ Boyfriend-want. Boyfriend-need. Also laughing because Stalker 1 is talking to me about Boyfriend, and Stalker 1's ex over Skype and it's somewhat amusing because butts.
And that is how I died.
The end.
Lunch
I am currently at lunch with Best Friend. She is looking through another friend who sits here's Algebra book because she didn't do her homework. Or something.
Anyway this thing lets me write blogs but it won't let me like, read them. Or preview them. Or view my site. What the what.
We just found a phallic image in the book.
WONDERBARRRR
I should probably try to...well I can't remember what I was saying because I got distracted.
I should probably get off of this and see if it'll post because knowing this internet it probably won't. I would proxy or something but that would get me into *trouble* plus I'm just so gosh-darned lazy so that means I probably won't.
So have a picture of me and Best Friend.
Best Friend is on the left.
And yes, that is my face on the right.
We have magnificent mustaches.
Anyway this thing lets me write blogs but it won't let me like, read them. Or preview them. Or view my site. What the what.
We just found a phallic image in the book.
WONDERBARRRR
I should probably try to...well I can't remember what I was saying because I got distracted.
I should probably get off of this and see if it'll post because knowing this internet it probably won't. I would proxy or something but that would get me into *trouble* plus I'm just so gosh-darned lazy so that means I probably won't.
So have a picture of me and Best Friend.
Best Friend is on the left.
And yes, that is my face on the right.
We have magnificent mustaches.
Jimmy's Got Balls
So I'm watching this show called Yes, Dear and the episode is 'Jimmy's Got Balls' just in case you guys were wondering about the title.
Anyway this guy Jimmy borrows money from his friend and his wife or something and it's like $1,500, and he started a golf-ball retrieval business and bought the diving suit and everything.
But pretty soon, after the first day of getting $125 (25 cents a ball) from the balls in the lake, there's like, 10 balls in there because good people play the course because it's so hard and good people don't hit the balls into the water.
So he starts like, stalking people and whenever they hit the ball into the water he runs down there and gets it.
He also steals them.
This one guy hits the ball and it goes no where near the water, but Jimmy's son
is
dressed up
as a raccoon
and guys he just
crawls really fastlike onto the course and
steals the ball.
It may just be because it's 9:30 in the morning but guys I laughed so hard it's not even funny.
And NOW I go to school. Yay. We'll see if this is blocked there or not.
Anyway this guy Jimmy borrows money from his friend and his wife or something and it's like $1,500, and he started a golf-ball retrieval business and bought the diving suit and everything.
But pretty soon, after the first day of getting $125 (25 cents a ball) from the balls in the lake, there's like, 10 balls in there because good people play the course because it's so hard and good people don't hit the balls into the water.
So he starts like, stalking people and whenever they hit the ball into the water he runs down there and gets it.
He also steals them.
This one guy hits the ball and it goes no where near the water, but Jimmy's son
is
dressed up
as a raccoon
and guys he just
crawls really fastlike onto the course and
steals the ball.
It may just be because it's 9:30 in the morning but guys I laughed so hard it's not even funny.
And NOW I go to school. Yay. We'll see if this is blocked there or not.
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