Piss off a cow.
Cows aren't really pissed off easily, but somehow my retarded 9-year-old self had found a way to dick around enough to make a cow want to impale me and maul my corpse so that it no longer resembled a stab wound victim's body, but a giant mangled piece of what would appear to be couch fabric and old tarp.
I remember the day pretty clearly, actually. It was one of those pretty days where your parent(s)/guardian(s)/whatever told you (or was it just me?) to get off of your damn ass and go play outside. I don't know why, but for some reason I listened to my Grandfather more than I listened to my mom or Grandma. Maybe it's because he let me play with power tools whenever I would go out and 'play' but that is an entirely different story that I may or may not get into later.
Anyway, my grandparents' house was down a long driveway and they had a yard in front of the woods near the road, and also down by the house. So, basically, if we played up in that front-est front yard, we weren't able to be 'supervised' by my grandparents unless they walked up the driveway and stood there and watched us that way. Otherwise we were pretty much free to do whatever the hell we wanted.
'Whatever the hell we wanted' usually consisted of walking across the gravel road and staring at cows, sheep, and the dogs herding them.
One day, however, I decided that I was going to climb over the fence and walk around the field and look at the cows and play with the dogs. I had done this before, this adventuring, but never without an adult around. I figured I'd done it so many times that I'd be a pro at it, but this seemed to not be the case (just as you think a hooker would be a pro at sex, but you soon find out that that is not true).
Visual aid:
Note: not drawn to scale
Might I add that this fence was electric? Yes. Electric.
Keep that in mind.
Well, I made it over the fence and was making my way across the field, being sure to avoid all those wonderful gifts that cows and other large animals seem to love leaving all over the place.
But soon, I saw it.
A baby cow. I knew I had to stay clear of it, so I walked about 15 feet from, and parallel to, the fence.
By now, the owner of the farm had come out of the one barn that they had, with his dogs, which both came running towards me. Yay, dogs! They finally had gotten to me and had tried to jump on top of me and knock me over, which they seemed to really like doing so that they could lay on me and sleep.
Anyway, the guy (whose name I cannot remember at this point in time, considering this was about 8 years ago) was yelling at me to stop. I was doing nothing. I was standing and petting dogs. What did he want me to stop? I did not know. So I stopped and stood still.
He kept telling me to slowly get back over the fence. I must have looked at him with a completely retarded expression, because he started to yell at me to get over the fence. I, being a completely rational 9-year-old, had to ask, 'Why?'. I looked to my right, and baby cow had wandered over to me. Yay, baby cow!
However, baby cow being near me was most definitely not a good thing. Especially when it started to make adorable mooing noises and trying to lick me.
Because apparently any and all moos made by baby cow = mommy cow comes to the rescue.
And Mommy Cow certainly came to the rescue.
Now, seeing a cow in a rage is something that most people would laugh at. Hell, it's something I laugh at whenever I see it, but actually having said raging cow chasing after you is not funny. It is scary and pants-shittingly terrifying.
There is only one thing going through the mind of a cow, and that is maim. Sometimes kill, but mostly maim.
That cow was going to try to do those horrible, horrible things to me.
So, of course, like a smart little child, I tried to bolt for the fence.
I didn't quite make it.
As I attempted to climb the fence, I thought I was home free. But no. As soon as my little feet gripped hold of the rubber climbing apparatuses that were/are used for climbing over electrical fences without having the climber be electrocuted, the cow headbutted me. Right on the ass. And god damn it, it hurt like hell.
Of course I could have just thrown up my hands and landed on the ground safely, but no. In an attempt to save my face, instead of throwing my hands in front of me, I lashed them out behind me, grabbing onto a barbed, electrical fence, which sent a massive shock through my body. I remember nothing but being woken up after that and walking back to my grandparents' house, and eating spaghetti.
And that's how I got mauled by a cow and electrocuted all within one day.
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