Hot damn it's been a long-ass time since I updated this blog. Close to two years, actually, I believe? I would say that I can't believe it's been that long but in all honesty I'm lazy and forgetful so in reality it's super believable to myself that I'd forget to update something for two years.
Part of the reason this blog went inactive was because of the fact that I stopped working a retail job. Yep, that's right - I didn't have to deal with nasty, crazy, batshit, or otherwise off-the-wall customers from the autumn of 2014 until winter 2015. During about 12 months of that time I was working at a newspaper place in the back doing a ton of physical work where I had zero run-ins with anyone besides my co-workers (and even then, we didn't talk to one another much because of the work we were doing. Which, if you're wondering, was stuffing inserts/ads into papers as well as adding different physical sections to the papers as well). It was a job I quite loved and was sad whenever I had to leave. The people I worked with were FANTASTIC and I'd never worked at a job where I got along 100% (or...like 99%) with everyone.
Oh, yeah, and I'm no longer on the east coast. So that's a thing. The drive was a solid three days, stopping only for gas, food, and sleep (which we didn't do as much as we should have). If it's one thing I learned from that drive, it's "Fuck Montana". Montana is a cold, unforgiving place to drive through. But more on that later in another post!
Lots of other things have changed, as well. My life has been a pretty big roller coaster in the past two years - some bad things and some good things - and it's taken me for quite a wild ride. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't go through what I did, yet sometimes I still wish I could go back and change the outcome of some of the things that happened, either by altering it into a more desirable state or a completely different outcome altogether.
In the past two years, I have broken up with my long-term boyfriend of 4.5 years, moved a great distance, found myself in a new relationship, found a new job working with dogs all day, and, basically, found myself (or rather am in the process of doing so). It doesn't seem like a lot has changed when only the major factors are listed, but I've grown a lot as a person. Looking back, certain things that were out of my control completely stunted the growth of...well, my personality, to put it simply enough.
The "finding myself" bit is still something I'm working on (obviously), because it's something I knew had to change for probably 15 or so years? Since I was old enough to start forming actual memories I've kinda known something's been fucked up with me and that it needed to change, and that I was uncomfortable, and that I didn't like myself. It took until I was an adult to really realize that there is a name for what I was feeling and thinking and wanting and needing - when I was around 18/19 I started accepting that I am, in fact, transgender. Now I'm 22 and still sometimes fighting myself, fighting against what comes naturally (and that's being masculine). Because I don't want to disappoint people who think I'm a woman (which is bullshit, honestly - you shouldn't live to please people!), but I also don't want to disappoint those who think I'm a man. Passing is incredibly difficult whenever you are unable to chop all of your hair off at the drop of a hat -- luckily I have broad shoulders and a damn good binder and a deep voice (along with the ability to walk like a man), but the long hair tends to throw people off. So until I'm on T I'm going to have to, well, figure out a slow way to shorten my hair. I want it cropped off, yes, but a drastic change like that all at once probably isn't the best for me since I've had this hair since I was a child, hah.
Anyway -- I just wanted to give an update to anyone who may be out there. There's probably no one there, but it's just kinda nice to talk outwardly and express feelings without fear.
Peace out, and until next time
\\ Sebastian
