It's been three years since I last posted anything to this blog. The reasons extended in the previous post still ring true - I always have been, and always will be, extraordinarily lazy with an addition of now being in pain and exhausted all of the time. So, whether it's that I've improved upon being lazy (and are thus less lazy than before) and am just too tired from pain, or if nothing has changed at all besides the addition of One More Thing To Worry About, it's not really changed anything regarding my lack of posting. Or lack of doing anything. Or...whatever. Honestly I forget where I was going with this.
I digress.
Since the last post here, many things have changed about me but many things have remained quite amazingly similar. I'm still in Washington, still grooming dogs, and still am working myself into an early grave. On the flip, I've shaved my head, have grown out a beard and am seeking my inner flamboyant lumberjack, have been diagnosed with many things that throw some sense into why my life is a living hell, and have been on hormone replacement therapy for two years and eight months on February 1.
My mental health has not improved overall, but in some areas there has been a significant positive change. Since being on HRT my dysphoria has dropped to nearly nothing; of course I still get dysphoria over the fact that I'm not biologically the sex I should be, and the (major) body differences that come with it...however, growing facial hair, having my body shape change, my voice deepen, and the other things stereotypically associated with male puberty happening to me have been nothing but amazing and an improvement on my quality of life. I am hopeful that in the coming year I will have top surgery and become one step closer to my ideal-as-possible self.
Shockingly I've experienced little in terms of harassment or similar since transitioning. At the start there were some rough patches with some clients as they adjusted, and a single client screamed at two of my coworkers who told her I went by a new name (client previously knew me as my birth name) asking if 'there was a fucking sex change or something'. Client promptly got shit on by a coworker and stammered and guffawed and shut up (mostly). At this point she doesn't even recognize me and the woman has something similar to dementia so I don't take it too personally seeing as she may not have been 'herself' at the time. It was more of a general annoyance than anything. Luckily most people have been just fine in regards to it - more people have been accepting than critical and I'm extremely thankful to my coworkers who were nothing but wonderful and supporting of me.
Except one. Who is also a trans man (who thankfully has not worked at my location for over 2 years). Who turned everything into some fucked up pissing contest where the only real reward to any of it was standing in a puddle of piss and looking like an idiot. Once said person found out I was trans it turned into a 'oh well *I* waited x long for HRT', '*I* experienced *this* much discrimination', etc. etc. - shit that literally should never be a contest because it doesn't matter. Like yeah it matters in the context of 'providers shouldn't be running circles around you for five years for you to even be considered for hormones' and 'discrimination is bad', but that shit isn't something to brag over and this isn't some sort of pain olympics.
Sigh. Anyway.
My mental health is still garbage otherwise. I'm depressed, have been struggling with self harm again and eating disorders, my anxiety is vaguely managed but isn't anywhere near where I'd like it to be, my agoraphobia is coming back for round 2 (ding ding), I could go on and on and ON honestly.
But!
I would like to get back into writing again. Even if it's just jotting down stupid shit that's happened throughout the day. It's rare that I have energy to do much of anything outside of sitting down and merely existing but looking back on this blog is something I do every great once in a while. It's nice to look back and see where I was all those years ago and see how little some of my worries were then. My priorities when I first started this blog are VASTLY different than they are now and it's somehow comforting to know that in another 5, 10 years, my priorities will likely be greatly varied once more and many things I'm worrying about now will be long behind me.
It's extremely likely that no one reads this blog at all. I'm almost positive. There were never many people who read it to begin with and honestly, that's totally fine. This has always been here as a way to share my feelings, stories, happenings, thoughts, and whatever else whether it be with someone who stumbles across this randomly, or my future self.
That being said.
To anyone out there - hello. My name is Shane and thank you for reading.
Until next time.
