Let me get this straight right here and right now.
I fucking hate using public restrooms. Maybe I'm just an odd person, or weird, or something, but the thought of other people hearing me piss just really doesn't appeal to me. Every single time I walk into a restroom stall, my immediate thought is "Oh god, what if they're
listening?" because, you know, people judge you by the sound of your piss. In case you didn't know.
Worse than the 'oh god, they're judging me by the sound of my piss' is having to send a log down the river. Each and every time you need to see a guy about a horse - a quite large, brown, magnificent one, at that - it seems as though you either walk in on a gaggle of teenage girls giggling and gawking at their reflections in a mirror for 30 minutes at a time, or you're one of the oh-so-lucky ones that has the amazing chance to claim a stall and get ready to drop a bomb and then have a couple of people walk into the bathroom.
And then they stand there.
And stand there.
And stand there.
It seems as though they're never going to leave; it even gets to the point where it seems like they're just standing in there to spite you. Making it so you have to clench your bowels so hard you feel as if your colon is going to burst. That? Okay, they'll leave eventually.
They finally do, after it seems like an eternity...and you're free to let your bowels loose and fill that toilet up to the brim with your steaming shitpile of shit. You get ready to unload your feces...
Only to have another person walk in. A single person. That's okay. They'll leave, too, it'll just take a couple minutes. You can prevent yourself from shitting for another three or four minutes. Not a problem. But after a few minutes, you're starting to wonder exactly how bad their face looks...because hey, a makeup touch-up shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes, especially if you're in school, where you really
don't need a shitton of makeup. No one really cares. If you look your worst, chances are 80% of the students look
ten times worse than you do. So seriously,
stop caring. However, it seems that the majority of the female population refuses to see that they look better with nothing rather than with three pounds of makeup on their face. No wonder it takes them so long to touch-up.
After a few more minutes of the supposed makeup goings-on, though, you start to wonder if they're also standing there to either piss you off, or make your bowels explode.
At some point, however, you simply cannot wait any longer. You empty your colon, trying to be quiet at first but eventually not giving a single fuck. Yet, the person still stands there, immobile, and completely silent. You start to ponder why. Why would a person stand there, not making any noise at all, while waiting for you to take a massive shit, only to continue standing there afterwards? And not just stand there, either, but actually
walk into another stall. Presumably to do their business...but after having them stand there for hell knows how long listening to you take a shit, and then hearing odd noises that don't sound like normal things to do in a bathroom...
You have to start to worry if you've contributed to a person's scat fetish fapping session.
At that point, you feel awkward. Very awkward.
At another point, moaning is worse. I've had some very bad things happen to me in restrooms, especially public ones, and one of those things was walking in to hear a woman's shlecking session. What? You're really hot and bothered and need to let off steam somewhere? Okay, I suppose a bathroom is better than on a park bench, but...could you please, please,
please satisfy yourself without
moaning?
Every time I hear moaning in a restroom, it's either a highschooler complaining of constipation and not being able to shit, a girl who got her period unexpectedly, or, more often,
the sexual moan of someone pleasuring themselves in a bathroom stall. I shit (haha, bathroom humor) you not. I've walked into bathrooms hearing things that
I never wanted to hear. At least not from a female, and especially not a female in a
public restroom. And this wasn't even at say, a deserted area. I've heard this stuff in the Pittsburgh airport restrooms, and again in the Orlando airport restrooms.
And in Orlando,
they didn't even have the stall closed. I try to ignore these things when I hear them, but walking up to the sinks to wash my hands and looking up into the mirror only to see a woman with her hand down the front of her pants making sex noises with a very, very strange look on her face, I can't help but briskly walk out of said restroom with soap still on my hands and go to the water fountain to finish washing off my hands. Of course, with the necessary reaction look on my face:
What I saw, I would never wish on anyone.
However, it's somehow worse whenever it's in a highschool bathroom. That's just...the seats are already so disgusting. Why add to the festering chlamydia and herpes by spewing yourself all over the toilet? And what bothers me the most is
people don't wash their hands here. I've seen maybe five people this entire year wash their hands during school hours in the restroom, and that includes me and Best Friend. The other three happened to be some random girls who ran into the bathroom to wash their hands after working with maché in art class. So there we go, five.
So you know what that means? Lady spooge.
All over the bathroom. On the toilet. On the stall handles. On the paper towel dispenser. On the
toilet paper. Let me tell you now, that shit is nasty. I GET IT, YOU'RE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 12 and 18, YOU'RE HORNY. JUST. PLEASE.
PLEASE.
Just...for the love of all that is good and holy, please wait until you're home.
Then you can go fuck yourself.
