This is going to be like, jumping from kinda-makes-sense to makes sense to mushy lovey stuff to me swearing like, a lot. And there's going to be times where I just stop giving a fuck about grammar and spelling so just bear with me here.
It's 12:32AM and I have class this morning and even though it's a 2-hour-delay due to the -5 degree temperature I need to fucking sleep, dammit. I STILL NEED TO BE UP BY SEVEN which may seem not-early to a lot of people but it takes me like five minutes to get ready, I wake up and it's like LOLCLOTHES LOLDEODORANT LOLTEETHBRUSHING LOLHAIRBRUSHING LOLMEDICATION and then I'm out the door, muthafuckas I don't even eat breakfast 99.99999% of the time. Even on weekends since I'm usually asleep until like, 2-3PM. I mean, I normally go to bed around this time (12:30-1AMish) but I slept until like 4PM today so I've only really been awake like, 8 hours what the fuck is wrong with me.
It probably doesn't help that I stay up Friday and Saturday nights until like, 6AM though. That's definitely part of the problem there. The main part of the problem is that I'm retarded. Yet, somehow, Boyfriend loves me anyway. How. I'm annoying and stupid and unfunny and not attractive at all yet he insists I am. I disagree most of the time but it makes me feel bad to disagree. Especially with him. When he's sad, I'm sad. Or sadder.
Oh, hey. Sadder's a word now.
Boyfriend is irrelevant to this post though. I think. I don't know. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, class. And me being up so late and me typing this isn't helping the 'defeating the insomnia' and the whole 'sleeping' thing and I need to sleep but I want to type and I want to talk to Boyfriend and ahhhhhhhh I want to scream but that would be a bad idea since Mom is asleep down the hall and plus I don't think I could scream even if I wanted to, even if I needed to because my voice simply does not go that high. And I just heard a door open and I'm afraid it's Mom and oh god. I'm the most paranoid person I know. And I know a lot of people. Or, at least know of them, and JESUS GOD I know not one person who freaks out as much as I do over stuff. Like. I swear I'll have a panic attack every single day without good reason. Or without reason at all. I'm also a major hypochondriac. I swear to god I'm scared I'm going to let my guard down for five fucking seconds and then I'll be BOOM DEAD. And the whole 'paranoia panic attacks' plus 'hypochondriac' doesn't mix together well.
Mole that's a little swollen because I scratched it and it's trying to heal? CANCER
Period won't stop after a week? I'M GONNA BLEED OUT
Period doesn't come on time? OH GOD I'M PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING SEXUAL, EVER.
Sharp pains in my chest? I WAS SHOT AND I DIDN'T REALIZE IT
God I think something's wrong with me. I mean, other than the insanity thing and the whole hypochondria and agoraphobia and paranoia and all that stuff. Jesus GOD.
And now I'm going to get like five hours of sleep tonight which is actually kinda normal on class nights and I suppose that I can sleep for another hour and a half tomorrow morning whenever I have to go to my grandparents before school so that I actually have a ride because I'm scared to take another permit test because I don't want to fail goddammit I give up on something if I fail the first time there's definitely something wrong with me.
And I get scared whenever someone's even a little bit agitated. I always take it personally. Especially with Best Friend and even more so with Boyfriend. I'm just like oh god, I don't know what to say, please don't kill me and they're like AHHHHH and I'm like AHHHHHH OH GOD and so I try to say something but typically make it worse and then everyone feels bad and then I want to cry. And I usually do hey I have emotions so you can go fuck yourself. The emotions thing kinda sucks sometimes since I get really upset over small things, but that's also the paranoia kicking in.
I say I'm sorry about everything even if it's not my fault. I mean, I know it's not my fault, but I can't help it. I have to say I'm sorry because even if it's not my fault then it feels like it is and I'll feel even worse if I don't just keep saying I'M SORRY to everyone because. Yeah. I'm retarded I think.
Whenever it's Best Friend I'm like oh god I'm so sorry did I do something should I hug you and Best Friend is fine within an hour or so and I know Best Friend is irritable and wants to be by herself a lot of the times in the mornings lately BUT I CANNOT HELP IT, YOU FEEL BAD I MUST HELP. And with Boyfriend I'm like I love you oh god I'm so so so so so sosososososo sorry should I just shut up? I LOVE YOU PLEASE DON'T HATE ME and then I cry because when I can't cheer people up, especially Boyfriend, I get sad. Because I love him and I'm also pathetic.
Also I get moody and upset over the stupidest things. Like, someone is upset and says they don't understand me? CUE WATERWORKS. Someone says something to me that doesn't even pertain to me and yet it seems like it does? Cue bawwage. Someone is upset and swears while talking to me? I get so fucking upset it's not even funny. Yet I don't let anyone know about it. What's wrong with me.
Anyway it's like, 12:57 but the clock on my school laptop is totally off by like 6-7 minutes so it's probably only like, 10 minutes until 1AM but I can't help but go by what it says.
Also my head hurts and it's been hurting kinda on and offish now for about a week and all I can think of is oh god, brain tumor because my mom had a tumor behind her eye so now whenever I feel pain around/behind my eyes it's all I can think about and ahhh.
And now I must cue the emoshitness because I love Boyfriend and though it sounds so cliché and stuff to say this, he saved me, even though he may not believe me when I say that, he did. I had no future even though I wanted one and hoped for one and after a past full of retarded abusive boyfriends and a horrible stepdad who combined basically made me lose all hope in guys, he came along and scooped me up after I had been thrown out so many times and basically felt unloved by everyone. I was never told 'I love you' except for the very rare occasion on my birthday or something, so I guess I'm just creepy and clingy and
He's my perfect ball of happiness and stuff that makes me happy whenever I'm feeling bad. So fuck y'all. He's my happy-giver and it's going to always stay that way. At least I hope. I want it to. Really really bad. But again I'm a pathetic paranoid person. Even though I know it'll turn out as us always having one another I'm constantly like OH GOD, WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING STUPID, WHAT IF I GET FIRED even though I don't have a job
god I'm retarded
And I hope Boyfriend doesn't mind me referring to him as 'Boyfriend' and if he does mind I'm sorry, I love you, and I'm going to hug and kiss and cling to you forever as soon as I see you again I love you I love you <3
I can't stop listening to Muse, more specifically 'Resistance', I think I have a problem
Anyways I need to go to bed but I don't fucking want to so. Ughhhh I hate Mondays
Wednesdays suck, too. I hope class is canceled. It's like -10 right now without windchill so I'm just hoping. Since, y'know, you can't have the kiddies standing outside in -10 degree weather waiting for the buses at 9AM, but you can totally have the highschoolers out there at 5:30-6AM when it's still dark and it's snowing and it's like -59045836 degrees and everyone knows highschoolers only wear t-shirts and a random type of pants or skirt even in the winter. Seriously guys.
The roads are shit just cancel school.
Also...'Canceled'? That just doesn't look right. Does it look wrong or is it just me? I mean. Really.
So it's like, 1:20
Fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment